I'm heartbroken, what do I do?
I (29F) have been in a relationship with my partner (34M) for 10 years and married for 2.5. In the last couple of years, we've struggled around his emotional relationship with another woman which developed from friendship to something akin to romantic (nothing physical in it though). It moved without him realizing it and he kept me in the loop about every conversation he's had with her, every meeting they've had (she lives in another city, where he went to occasionally meet her) and I couldn't say I was uncomfortable with it because of my fear of being judged. I didn't want to control him in any way or come in the way of his happiness. But by the end of last year, it was too much for me to bear. We had conversations before, where I told him I wasn't feeling comfortable and finally last year I said I'm finding it hard to be with him as long as his relationship with her remained. He agreed to stop contact with her and it has been a couple of months but I can't seem to forgive him. Three years ago, I had accidentally found his chat with another person with whom he had sexted. When I confronted him about it he apologized and promised it wouldn't happen again. We have also had many conversations about him flirting with other women that I'm uncomfortable with.
For the last couple of months, we have been apart, in two cities, partly for work, partly because I no longer could stay with him. I had hoped things could be worked out eventually but something within me has shifted. I'm not ready to trust again yet. I'm finding it really difficult but I know I love him. What do I do?
@independentZebra1024
I am sorry you are going through this.
I see so many people dealing with this. It is hard to explain but someone chatting with other people or someone especially for a long time is getting something out of it.
This is not a judgement but an observation of many posts and situations............ I always wonder why the first thing we say is how many years we have been together. At what time does a relationship or marriage become unbreakable?
I too have been there my partner .......... Often assuming we did not need to talk about so many things, we have heard all our stories etc. We know all about each other already...our like / dislikes /hopes and dreams....... but we are not the same people who married or have been together for so long. You are not at 29 the same as you were at 19.
Yet time has a way of making us feel like we are on auto pilot. I have changed and so has my partner. My partner thinks my favorites are items I enjoyed 15 years ago but no even like. We do not share as easy with a partner anymore out of fear of judgement or their inability to see us as we are not who they think we are. Some people like feeling they are interesting / funny or attractive to another person. Someone chatting is getting some type of validation out of it. I finally spoke up about how he no longer knows me and it is awkward and hard to reconnect.
Speaking up about you being uncomfortable is step one. Maybe it is more that you are ticked off about the whole thing. Asking for total honesty or suggesting counseling may help.
