I’m so lost and confused ….
I have been on here a couple of times talking about my relationship with a guy with depression…..
My relationship hasn’t been good for about 8 months and it’s cause of his depression.
We got engaged and a couple of months after that it all went down hill.
What really makes me so frustrated is he was improving so much with the help he was getting but it ended not being consistent and that is what ruined it all … when things started to get bad he didn’t get the help he needed and kept making excuses. And now we are here at the worst time of our relationship and this is what I wanted to avoid.
He got another job pretty much stepped down from what he was doing cause it was causing so much anxiety. He needs to find a psychiatrist and get his medication in order cause a lot of the ones he was on are running out or just not doing what they need to do.
Today he texts me telling me he is done he doesn’t want to try anything anymore. He doesn’t want to see a psychiatrist, he doesn’t want to try anything anymore. He just is tired and done.
Being where he is mentally being done and not wanting to see a psychologist will only makes matters worse.
We talked today and he is telling me he is done. He just wants to see what will happen. No help, no meds !
I told him what does that even mean ? What does that do for us? You are giving up? You are giving up on getting better ? You are giving up on us! How will we get anywhere if you are where you are mentally we can’t!!
When we got engaged the ring he gave me meant the world to me I was so happy . I was so proud to wear that ring I loved it I loved looking at it. It made me so happy. A couple months ago when I felt so alone and not loved in this relationship I couldn’t wear it … it was making me so depressed and so sad. Just looking at it made me cry cause I don’t know what happened to that guy that gave it to me. Today he questioned why I don’t wear it and that I gave up and I explained how much it hurts me when I see even the box. It’s heartbreaking cause that proposal and All his problems meant the world to me.
But I never gave up on this relationship to this day I am telling him what we can do together .
But if he is not willing to get help what can I do I am so exhausted and so tired but I love him.
@Lovee00
I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. It sounds incredibly challenging and heartbreaking to see someone you love struggle with depression and now feel like they're giving up on themselves and the relationship. Here are some thoughts that might help you navigate this difficult situation:
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: It's okay to feel frustrated, exhausted, and heartbroken. You've been carrying a lot emotionally, and it's important to recognize and honor your own feelings.
2. Focus on Self-Care: Take care of yourself during this tough time. Ensure you're getting the support you need from friends, family, or a therapist who can provide a listening ear and guidance.
3. Communication* Keep open lines of communication with your partner, expressing your concerns and feelings calmly and clearly. Let him know how much you care about him and the relationship, but also the impact his decisions are having on you.
4. Encouragement and Support: Encourage him gently to reconsider seeking help. Let him know that you're there to support him every step of the way, whether it's finding a psychiatrist, adjusting medications, or exploring other forms of support like therapy or counseling.
5. Set Boundaries: While it's important to support him, it's also crucial to set boundaries for your own well-being. You can't force someone to seek help if they're not ready, but you can decide what you need in the relationship and communicate that clearly.
6. Seek Professional Guidance: If possible, encourage him to speak with a therapist or counselor who specializes in depression. Sometimes, hearing advice from a professional can help someone see the importance of seeking treatment.
7. Consider Your Needs: Reflect on what you need and deserve in a relationship. It's okay to prioritize your own emotional health and well-being.
Remember, loving someone with depression can be incredibly tough, but it's important to take care of yourself too. You can offer support and encouragement, but ultimately, he needs to make the decision to seek help. Take things one step at a time and trust yourself to navigate this challenging situation with compassion and strength.🌹
I appreciate this so much !!!!
Unfortunately he has been seeing a therapist. He was in IOP and that helped a lot but a few months after it was done he wasn’t too consistent with what he needed to do ( new meds, having a consistent therapist) and now it’s as bad as it can be.
I keep telling myself that all I can do is be supportive and I have been for the last couple of years. I have been by his side in the toughest times . It feels like he is not opening up as much as he was in the start.
It’s so hurtful that he tells me he loves and doesn’t want to lose me but is refusing to continue getting help. Knowing we can’t last like this.
I barely see him and talk to him as it is. He sees me once a week and thinks I should be ok with that.
We did couples counseling for almost a year and in the beginning it was great but the last 7 months or so it’s been a waste because he isn’t capable of giving me the bare minimum.
I am trying to focus on what I love and to travel and clear my head but I can’t help to feel like I am just not worth it for him anymore . All our future plans are gone and that’s devastating. I love him like I never loved before and it’s hard for me to let this go but what can I do when he won’t do what he needs ….
@Lovee00
"I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. It’s incredibly tough to be in a situation where you’re giving so much support and love, but not seeing the effort reciprocated in the way you need. Your dedication and care for him are truly admirable, and it’s clear you’ve been a pillar of strength for him during his toughest times.
It’s important to remember that his struggles and choices are not a reflection of your worth. You’ve done everything you can to support him, and it’s okay to feel hurt and frustrated. It sounds like you’ve been very patient and understanding, but it’s also okay to acknowledge your own needs and boundaries.
Continuing to focus on what you love and finding ways to clear your head, like traveling, is a healthy approach. It’s crucial to take care of your own well-being too. Sometimes, when someone we care about isn’t able to meet us halfway, it’s necessary to reevaluate the situation and consider what’s best for our own mental and emotional health.
Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to prioritize yourself. You deserve a relationship where your needs are met and your efforts are matched.
Stay strong, and remember you’re not alone in this. There’s a community here that cares and understands. Sending you lots of support and positive thoughts🤗
@Lovee00,
I am so sorry for both of you.
It's hard to deal with depression, for both. I fully understand, I've been there too, me being the one being pretty depressed.
I saw a psychiatrist, couldn't afford. Saw a therapist who had no hands-on experience with depression. My then wife tried to help, the kind of help she offered didn't work for me.
You cannot help people with mental challenges. All you can do is to be there for them. But you cannot fix them, heal them. They have to find their own way. What you can and must do is to take care of you first. He needs to find a way himself to heal, or not. That's his call, nobody else's.
My then wife did take off her wedding ring while I was severely depressed (I conquered my depression myself with no help). When I noticed something broke inside. Like, "it's all over and there's nothing I can do about it". Much much later I understood that, like you said, the ring was too confronting for her. I wish she'd told me at the time, it would've made a huge difference.
So here you are. You don't want to lose him, "us", feeling like you're losing you and there's nothing you can do. There is, taking care of you. Finding a way to let him feel you're still there, without overdoing it. Tricky coz he needs to feel loved yet if he feels loved he might blame himself for not being able to show love. I definitely couldn't at the time, I couldn't love myself anymore.
I don't have a solution, it's in his hands. Maybe quietly sit down with him, like "I made some tea, it's on the table" and he might or might not sit them with him. Or just a quick hug without saying anything. In these kind of cases, gestures matter, words don't (words most often won't resonate anyway with him).
One final.suggestion which I wish I'd done at the time, maybe a meet-up with others who are depressed works for him. So he might feel heard and understood. At the time I felt not heard, not understood, left out.
@dukeofdearham
Thank You for reaching out. The thing is I am not married yet and we don’t live together so physically being there for him won’t work. And he refuses to move out with me . I think that would help so much cause the environment he is in causes a lot of stress.
I just don’t know how else to be there …. Right now the last thing that was talked about was he told me that he is giving up on everything and he wants to just stay home and not go out and try anything .
I don’t live with him so where does that leave me? He knew about the ring I had taken it off before cause it broke me when I looked at it. And this time around I explained to him how meaningful that ring is to me and how I never wanted to take it off but now it literally breaks my heart when I see it cause we are not there anymore and he is not the same guy. It just hurts to feel so helpless and I was the only one there for him fighting for him when no one else understood.
I don’t know if it’s a good idea to reach out to one of his old therapist that was actually helping him at that time but cause of insurance couldn’t anymore. I feel lost I don’t know anymore.
@Lovee00
Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you’re in an incredibly difficult situation, and I want you to know that your feelings and concerns are completely valid. It’s incredibly painful to see someone you love struggle and feel helpless to make a difference, especially when you’ve been there for him through so much.
Living separately and not being able to physically be there must add another layer of complexity to the situation. It’s understandable that you feel moving in together might help, but it’s also important to respect his current stance and focus on what you can control.
It’s clear you’ve been incredibly supportive and have done everything in your power to help him. It’s heartbreaking to hear that he’s giving up on everything and refusing to engage in activities that could improve his situation. This can leave you feeling lost and unsure of how to proceed.
Regarding the ring, it’s natural to feel hurt and conflicted when such a meaningful symbol no longer represents the current state of your relationship. It’s okay to prioritize your own emotional well-being and take the steps you need to protect your heart.
Reaching out to one of his old therapists could be a good idea if you believe they can offer some guidance or resources, especially since they’ve worked with him before and understand his situation. Even if they can’t see him due to insurance issues, they might be able to provide advice or suggest alternatives.
Remember, you’re doing the best you can in an incredibly challenging situation. It’s important to take care of yourself too.
You’re not alone in this, and there’s a community here that cares and wants to support you. Sending you strength and positive thoughts during this tough time.🤗
@Lovee00
It seems like someone suggested that you might come across as self-centered in your situation, which can be hurtful when you're dealing with so much. However, it's important to recognize that caring for your own emotional well-being and expressing your needs doesn't make you selfish...
While respecting his autonomy in managing his depression is crucial, it's also okay to consider what you need from the relationship. Sometimes, despite love and effort, circumstances may lead to tough decisions for both parties' well-being...
Supporting someone with depression can be emotionally draining, and it's okay to acknowledge your own feelings and set boundaries to help yourself...
Learning about depression can provide insights into what your partner might be experiencing emotionally, mentally, and physically. This understanding can foster empathy and better communication. As well as you can better distinguish between behaviors influenced by depression and those that are harmful or unsustainable for your own well-being.
..Remember, taking care of yourself doesn't mean you're neglecting your partner's needs. It means you're ensuring you have the strength and resilience to continue supporting them in a healthy way. It's a balance that's crucial for both of you in the long run...
@BlossomGirvan
Thank you so much for responding. Yes that person saying I am self centered I know is wrong and has no idea what they are saying. It’s annoying when people talk nonsense to someone going through a hard time.
I am the one going through this and dealing with therapists and family members trying to help him.
Anyways, yes at this time he asked me to give him some time and I said that’s ok. I told him how important he is to me and that I love him and will never give up on him. So I am just waiting and respecting his space.
@Lovee00
Honestly you come across as a little self-centred
He is going through depression and maybe you have never had it but it is a very harrowing experience which completely turns your life upside down
I would say that you should respect his choice to face it on his own terms in his own way
Also, if you aren't happy with how he is then you should consider leaving him - you don't have to be with him, do you? I understand it felt wonderful once but things change and here we are...
If you notice things are getting worse, not better, then how does that bode well for your relationship? It's not making him happy and now obviously it is not making you happy either so you should consider making changes yourself and accepting his choices and make your own (hard) choices
@WhatNameidk
How am self-centred ?
I have been with him for a couple of years and known him longer and I completely know what he is going through and I have been by his side no matter what! So don’t respond to this talking nonsense.
I have been very respectful and I have been very disrespected because of his depression and I have never walked away cause I understand what he is going through.
The reason why I am with him is because I love him. Regardless of what’s happening I want to be with him. If that’s self centered then cool ….I am not an a** to leave him in this time . But if he is not wanting this I can’t force it !