I'm struggling to let it go - a story

Hi!

This is my first thread here. The last few months were hard - really hard, as now I'm writing this physically exhausted. A lot happened and I'll describe it in the next few paragraphs.

So, it's been almost a year since me and my girlfriend got together. At first, when we met, she was amazing. It was all I was searching in a partner. I was always happy to hang out with her and I thought we were having a wonderful time together. Fast forward, we became a couple last spring, after nearly 3 months after I met her.

Ever since, this relationship was like a roller-coaster of emotions. She started to become very angry at the slightest wrong move, everything being her way or highway. At that time, I was struggling to face the stress caused by this situation and the final graduation exam which was right around the corner at that time. She blamed it on the same exam, and I told myself that it is just a matter of time until we figure things out.

Through this period, the lack of support I was feeling made me very sad. Although I was in a relationship, which supposedly should mean that each one support the other in difficul times, I felt more alone than ever. She didn't bother to come to my prom or to the event that marked the end of high-school. I was there for her. Every single time. I tried my best offering her care and attention, trying to boost her mood constantly. It was tiring, but I somehow managed to move on. That was a difficult time. I had a few times when I threw up because it wasn't easy to deal with all the stress I was carrying everyday, mostly caused by her behavior, which included silent treatment and anger. I wasn't hurt physically, but mentally I was unstable. I tried to talk to her about that, so we can figure out a solution for this problem. I was met with a few words that I won't be able to ever erase from my memory: "It's your problem. You are too sensitive." To this day, she can't understand the damage her behavior did to me.

I managed to pass the graduation exam with great scores. Two weeks after, another exam was waiting for me - the admission exam for university. She promised to be there for me, to offer me her support, as it wasn't easy at all, being a difficult exam. But, as you, those reading this, might expect, that didn't happen. I failed to pass that exam. I was down for a while, as I felt like I lost the biggest opportunity of my life. It was challenging, as it was my first academic failure and it wasn't easy to swallow. But I was eventually admitted at another university, and I was officially a student. It finally seemed like I saw the light at the and of the tunnel.

To wash the stress away, I've been planning for almost 3 months to go to a music festival in my country as a volunteer, to avoid costs, as it was difficult for me to afford all the expenses. She is listening to the same type of music as I do, and among the bands were some of their favorite. When I saw that the applications for volunteering are on, I didn't hesitate to send her the link to the website, so that we could go together. She refused, giving me a bunch of reasons for it. But I didn't want to give up on this opportunity, so I went there with my best friend, a guy that I've been knowing for 7 years now. Everyday while I was at the festival she had to find reasons to argue with me. Every single day, to the point I was starting to ignore my phone.

There's one important thing to mention. She had a friend, a guy who became my friend as well, as we got along pretty well. We used to hang out, drink some beers, share deep stories and stuff. Quite a nice guy. But their friendship ended when he discovered that my girlfriend told him lies in an effort to make him break up with his ex. Before leaving for the festival, she told me that if I spend time with him there, I'll never be the same person in her eyes again (betrayal). Of course I did, but she never found out. We were extremely careful. No pictures, no nothing with me and him.

After this festival, I came back to my hometown. I asked her to have an important discussion. After consulting with my friends, I was ready to break up if that conversation didn't go well. I told her how much it annoys me her behavior, and she, with tears in her eyes, promised to make a change. A real change, this time. I gave her time to change, as I know this is not something that happens instantly, telling her if I felt there is a problem.

Fast forward, we started uni. New people, new experiences and new opportunities. At least that's how I imagined it to be, cause I never ever had the chance to actually spend time with my colleagues. She always wants me to be with her. 24/7, if possible. If I would've told her that I want to hang out with my colleagues, she would become passive-aggressive. At some point, one of my classmates was on a trip in France. She brought as all little souvenirs as gifts. My girlfriend's jealousy revealed itself. She was angry when I told her. She started to make jokes about that girl, the reason being her "coping mechanism". She even went as far as placing a bet on the fact that if we break up, me and that colleague will get together. That's after I told my girlfriend multiple times that this girl was in a relationship with her boyfriend for over 5 yeas! I can't explain it to you how angry she was when I told her who gave me the secret santa gift. She was mad because that person gave me a pair of socks with some cool ducks on them, because she knew I love ducks. Ever since, she's always looking into my phone to see who I am talking to. I don't hide anything from her. I don't have any reasons to. But she always finds reasons to argue with me in the friendliest conversations that I have.

Now, we are approaching our first uni exam, and I feel tired. I went to professional therapy, but now I'm unable to, since here uni starts on the 8th of January. It's a lot to carry on considering that it's a stressful time, this exam meaning a lot to me and my future. She's still the one who needs attention and support all the time.

My plan is to break up with her, but I'll have to wait until the exams pass. It feels hard, if not almost impossible to let it go. I fell down and my mood is constantly getting worse. I'm trying to find ways to make this period easier to get through.

Sorry for this long post. I don't know what to do. I'm exhausted. I started writing in a diary about my feelings, and it kinda helps. I can't cry, but every single letter written with blue ink is a tear that never came out.

Thank you! I wish you the best!