I need an outside perspective on my marriage

I’ve been married for a long time and we have four kids. Our marriage has gotten to a point where I genuinely don’t know if I’m seeing things clearly anymore, and I’d really like opinions from people who don’t know either of us.

My husband says I don’t communicate, I don’t make him a priority, and I am responsible for most of the damage in our relationship. I know I’m not perfect. I’ve withdrawn, avoided hard conversations, and said things that I regret. I’ve apologized for those things, numerous times and tried to take responsibility for my part.

Recently I sent him a long message acknowledging his hurt, apologizing for the ways I’ve contributed to it, and saying that any repair would require accountability from both of us. His response began with “Nice try.” He called me ignorant and immature, said I was offering half-truths, and told me he does not owe me an apology for what I DID. 

There are also behaviors outside of arguments that concern me. He has taken my vehicle keys and restricted my transportation. He says that the vehicle is in his name, therefore it’s his. 

There have been times when I’ve had to call out of work due to him restricting vehicle access. I’ve even missed an extremely important life changing interview due to him taking my keys and locking them in his vehicle. Thankfully they are going to give me a second chance. 

The job is in law enforcement and I had to be honest with them about why I couldn’t make it to the initial interview. I’m very nervous they will ask me about the incident. 

He often phrases questions in a way that seem to assume guilt before I even answer. For example, he’ll ask, “Why do you have an attitude?” If I say, “I don’t have an attitude,” he responds, “I didn’t ask if you had one!” If I disagree with the premise of the question, he treats that as avoiding the question or refusing to communicate.

Even small household things can escalate. Recently he questioned a different brand of dishwasher pods I bought and demanded to see the container. I went into the garage, dug it out of the recycling, and brought it to him. Then I was criticized for not putting it close enough to him, and when I moved it closer, I was criticized because I hadn’t handed it directly to him. He called me “a real *** piece of work” and accused me of “cutting corners.”

He says I wouldn’t be *** without him, I’ll be *** if I leave him…. 

The overall effect is that I feel like there is often no acceptable response unless I agree with his version of what happened and respond exactly the way he expects. I’ve started dreading conversations because they so often turn into criticism, interrogation, or a lecture.

I’m not posting because I want strangers to automatically tell me to leave. I’m trying to understand what I’m looking at. Does this sound like a marriage that has become very toxic, or do these behaviors cross into something more serious? Am I minimizing what’s happening because I’m used to it?

Any honest perspective is welcome.