I need help with my situation

So went NC almost 3 weeks ago, well wasn't an actual proper break up he just kind of avoided after I bought up some issues and then we texted a little bit after not like before though.
I ended up telling him that he doesnt care and let's just leave it at that and never got a reply since, I havent reached out either although I so badly want to and have been so sad and a little depressed. Yesterday I took my kids for a swim to a place that is by his home town (ive always really like this certain place before we met) but it stupidly posted a video on my story of it, then started to feel anxiety and went to go delete but noticed he had already seen it. No reaction or anything then I cried for a while and ended up deactivating my FB.
I feel so stupid and wish I didn't do that its so hard though I wish he would reach out.
Our relationship/situationship was hard to say the least always just wanted to be chosen and showed up for like i did for him.
There was so many broken promises and things like *** on his phone, a corn addiction and other stuff. He would txt and call everyday and do those things and show.
up for me when I needed help sometimes, tell me he loves me but then sometimes be a little distant and when I would tell him how I feel most of the time he would say things like "I dont know why this is always a problem" but then sometimes validate me and make me feel loved.
The week or so before the "breakup" I was feeling that and it was at a really bad time when other things were happening in my life and I just needed him and also feeling down because I hadn't seen him for weeks even though he said he was going to see me, so I told him how I was feeling and was met with no reply and limited conversation.
Was I the problem? Maybe I didnt need to make it a big deal? Maybe I should have just let him be and come back to normal when he wanted? I dont know but I do know my heart is huge and I love deeply.
And now ive been so broken as well as having a birthday last week and not receiving any message from him hurt alot.
I dont know what im doing but I just want it to be over.  im so consumed by it all and stuck between feeling like its my fault because he was there for me sometimes and remembering all the things he has done that I forgave and let slide and feeling like such an idiot for yesterday and now deactivating my FB and deleting Snap (only got it because he wanted me to at the beginning of our relationship) hes probably just laughing at me i dont know but I did alot for him and was always there for him watched him cry after his best friend passed away and my daughter loved him so much and he apparently did too🤷‍♀️ Sorry for the endless rambling im just in such a horrible space right now