Infidelity
I cheated on my wife before we got married and never told her. It was a one time thing and something I regretted immediately after between then and now I had been using drugs and masking my emotions. I eventually stopped with drugs, and felt such a guilt that I needed to tell her Obviously she was devastated as we now have three children. she has been willing to go to couples counseling, but as she has discovered more about my infidelity and lifestyle, she has become more upset and is saying that she doesn’t believe she could ever trust me again at this point she is saying she would only stay together for the kids and even then it may not be for the best it’s been the darkest year of my life. Every day is a struggle to try and get through things.
@ggoidell
It sounds like a conflict between the old you (addicted, cheating on your partner) and your new self (sober and honest).
If you are a member of one of 12 Steps communities, there is a step saying that we should repair all the harm that was done by us, but EXCEPT the situations when the "repairing" could do even more harm...
Would you think it is OK, if you considered honesty as a part of your new values? You cannot change things that already happened (like your infidelity and confessing that to your wife), but you can still be faithful to your new life, based on new values.
I really appreciate this insight. I have tried to focus on moving forward being the only thing I can do now that I’ve come clean and apologized. It’s hard to see the one you love struggle and be in such pain on account of something you can no longer change.
@ggoidell
Being totally honest after people have done things...... like substance abuse and such has consequences. I would hope you can continue to talk with your wife. Not rehashing what you cannot change but growing together in future... I am sure she is not same person as she was before marriage either.
Did she know about your substance abuse? if so did she not address it? What did she do to help your situation with that or find out what triggered your use? You said you were masking emotions about things was there no way to share that burden years ago at that time?
I am not accusing her of anything , i just feel in relationships especially marriage .... things like substance abuse and bad choices made need to be understood. I did not step up like I should to help my partner with alcoholism ... instead made excuses and enabled. So now with long term health issues i cannot just blame them for this ... it is a partnership. what sort of situation was the before marriage one night stand how was the relationship at that moment? .... it is not the same as acting like the trust you broke is the trust that has grown after years. but when you told her now she might not see that.
Does she see how you struggled but felt being honest was the only option..... it often does not end like we hoped when we tell a deep secret. How is counseling going? if it is only staying for the kids that will eventually not be enough for one or both of you.. Kids learn far more in observing and may think marriage is a prison sentence, forced to stay together. is that the message either of you wants to convey?
At the time we were enagaged and I feel as though I acted upon an impulse being that marriage was about to begin. She knew I was using drugs a lot, but eventually started hiding it from her too. Marriage counseling has been helpful, but very up and down at times. I want her to find peace and happiness really at whatever cost even if that means the marriage has to end to do that. I agree that being unhappy in a marriage isn’t the right thing especially for the kids
I’m hopeful that we can find the love we had for echother right before I disclosed this. I often wish I had never told her. We had something very special and I just want that back
@ggoidell
I totally get that i often wonder if keeping a secret is not more peaceful sometimes but that is often hard to do. you felt honesty was needed and maybe in the end it will be for the best.
Many engaged people act on impulse as we are making a big decision and you certainly are not the only person that did that. I know you think you hid your use as my partner did too but i could tell i always knew when ppl around were using.
I wish now i had spoke up earlier so they were in better shape now.
We have been doing better and she has been more receptive and understanding. It’s confusing but sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve her to forgive me. Like I’m not worthy of her forgiveness. There’s also been instances of self sabotage including telling her in the first place. Really seems like I want to prove that she is going to love me despite all my flaws.
@ggoidell
I think that is a good explanation to want to be honest to know they truly love or understand you and they cannot if they do not know or see your flaws.
I just wish eventually I could be satisfied and see that she does truly love and instead of continuing to want to prove it
@ggoidell
We always have questions in relationships... even in very long term situations
my partner for example is not always good at communicating his feelings and his way of showing me by wanting to give gifts ... That is NOT what I want ..... so even together a long time it can be a struggle... I realize at my lowest points of feeling unsure or in need of him to show me .... I need to speak up and let them know what he is doing is not reassuring me.
Communication and not reading into actions ...... is a big help for me.
