I really just need to ask SOMEONE...am I a bad person?

Hi everyone---I hope you're all having a good day. I'm here for all of you! Remember that it can be a bad day, a bad week, a bad month, or even a bad year, but it's not a bad life. You got this! People often find support in the most unexpected of places. :)

I usually only talk to people I know personally and never vent to random people online, but this feels *right* right now---I'm not sure why. I sort of just really need an outside perspective on things. And maybe one of you will be able to relate to this and it'll make you feel less alone. I only just turned 16 and am still trying to find my place in this world, so hopefully as I continue to mature, mental health will come easier to me.

So I had this friend a bit ago, who I'll call T, and they and I were as close as you could imagine. Like, seriously, picture your 100% IDEAL friend who you always feel safe, comfortable, and validated with, and that was them. T was such a good person it was honestly unbelievable. I told them everything about myself, and they told me everything about themselves. We did this thing where sometimes, when neither of us were feeling up to face-to-face conversations or weren't in the mood to talk, we would write our problems, vents, and stories down in Google Docs that were, like, 20 pages long haha, and send them to each other and give each other time to respond. They respected me so much. I respected them so much. We talked nearly every single day. They had really serious depression, but I always stood by their side and listened, even if it meant sacrificing my time and emotional energy. I loved them so much, and they were basically my entire world. Whenever I felt sad, I would just *imagine* T's presence and would already feel better.

But then there was this other friend in my life, who'll I'll call B. His presence sort of slowly started creeping up on me when I was around 14 because we were in a lot of the same classes in 8th grade and 9th grade, and I realized he was a really fun and nice kid. So we started talking. In the summer between 8th grade and 9th grade, we texted each other every single day. B was so funny and kind, and when I was having a rough day, I would just talk to him and he would make me laugh. Now, it's been 2 years since I first started talking to him.

As someone who lives in a Chinese household, I've always been told by my parents about the dangers of dating in high school. I've always been warned about the horrors of "falling so hard for a boy you lose sight of what is *truly* important in life---academics...and *gasp* failing school and ending up jobless and homeless on the side of the street because you focused on romance instead of school" and other things like that. Obviously, this is an exaggeration, but it's honestly still pretty accurate. From a very young age, I was always told that teen romance was super dumb, immature, and would lead to my downfall if I succumbed to it because of peer pressure and things. So, starting in middle school (when a lot of my peers first really started developing crushes and dating), I made a REALLY big effort to NEVER allow myself to fall in love with or date anyone. I told everyone (except for my parents) in my life I was ace/aro because I felt like I was/am somewhere (I don't know where though) on that spectrum...but also to make it clear to everyone that I didn't want a relationship. And I've been doing this for...almost 3 or 4 years now.

But back to B. Since this is already getting really long, I'll just cut to it: I fell in love with him. I was in denial about this for A WHOLE YEAR, but now I'll admit it to myself---as I got closer and closer with him, I slowly but surely starting falling for him. And I hate myself so much for it. This is exactly the immaturity and stupidity my parents have been warning me about since I was a child. I'm becoming a disgusting, lovesick teenage girl stereotype, and I HATE IT. But the thing is, B likes me, too. He's so obvious about it---he literally reaches out to hold my hand whenever we're alone and hugs me whenever he has the opportunity to (and I won't lie and say I don't like it, because I really, really do). Literally the only reason why he probably hasn't told me directly he likes me is because I'm out as ace to like...everyone. He's so sweet and kind and has been there with me through SO MUCH and he's made it impossible for me not to love him. But I hated myself so much for being in love with him because I was becoming the very "bad teenage girl example" that my parents have always warned me about.

The only person I ever told about ANY of this was T. And to start, T was so supportive and understood that being in love with B wasn't my only personality trait and treated me the same and even made an effort to befriend B because he's so nice and understanding. But every time I talked to or hung out with or got hugged by B, my feelings for him grew stronger. And I told T about all of it, because they were the only one I trusted with this super personal information about me.

But about a month ago, T had a super suicidal episode one night (don't worry, they're still alive and here and okay) and was venting to me and trauma dumping so much I didn't know what to do. I did everything I could. But I really didn't know what to say. I kept telling them I was here for them, just like I always have for the past 3 years. They've always had very serious depression and frequent suicidal episodes, but something about this time was different, and I could feel it.

Then, T told me that they wished that for once in their life, they could be "someone's first choice of a friend and not just on the sidelines of their life". They wanted to be the person that I loved the most. They wanted to be the center of my universe. And they were. I loved them so much. They were my best friend.

But then they told me they didn't want to talk to me anymore because they felt that I was becoming less and less helpful to them every day. They told me that while they felt guilty about having these feelings, they felt that I was "no longer what they needed". They told me that I *validate* them, but didn't make them feel *valid*.

They told me I made them hate themselves.

I tried so hard to talk to them and just reason with them, but then they lashed out.

They said "I don't want to talk to you anymore. Because all you ever talk about anymore is B. And I'm not jealous...I just feel like everything is gone now. What happened to US?"

Even after they said this, I still kept trying to make them feel better. But something about this particular conversation just broke me. And just like that, we haven't spoken in weeks. I just sort of...ghosted them. I'm not even sure why I did. I don't know why, even after they calmed down and apologized to me later that night, I didn't try to have a conversation with them about it. They've just...never hurt me like that before. And it was so emotionally draining that I just kind of...dipped. They tried talking to me at one point in these past few weeks, but I just like...didn't.

But through all of this, being completely oblivious to what actually happened, B has stood by me. Even after I lost T, I still had him. And this only deepened our connection more. And now I'm even more doomed.

So now, on top of being a stupid, lovesick teenage girl that's a failure of an Asian who disobeyed her parents and seriously needs to just STOP HAVING FEELINGS FOR THIS GUY AND FOCUS ON SCHOOL LIKE SHE SHOULD, I'm also a bad friend and pushed my BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD away just because of ONE bad conversation we had.

Am I the villain in this story?