I want to love, but I'm scared of being the only one sacrificing : struggling with skepticism from a patriarchal upbringing
I want to love, but I'm scared of being the only one sacrificing : struggling with skepticism from a patriarchal upbringing
I grew up in a deeply patriarchal household as one of four daughters. My father was the 'sun,' and the rest of the family just orbited around him to serve his needs. Seeing that dynamic growing up has made me incredibly skeptical about love. I find myself questioning if a genuine, equal partnership even exists (especially in a world that is still deeply patriarchal in majority of its part).
I’m skeptical about marriage, but I’m even more terrified of cohabitation. I am deeply afraid of falling into a dynamic where I perform all the domestic labor and wife-like duties without the security of serious commitment. Seeing some men joke about 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?' only validates this fear.
It doesn't help that even my own aunt, who is a mother to three sons (while my father has four daughters), once warned me: "Don't rush into marriage. Enjoy your single life while you can, because once you're married, you won't be able to think about yourself anymore." Hearing that from a woman who raised three boys felt like a confirmation that marriage for women often means losing oneself to serve others.
Because of this, I can't help but view men as potential 'man-children' that I’ll be stuck mothering for the rest of my life, or as people who have the privilege to just walk away anytime. Potentially leaving me to raise a child alone as a single mother while they face minimum consequences.
No offense meant, and I’m not trying to generalize all men here. I know good people exist. But my experiences and observations have made it very hard for me to lower my guard.
I often hear people say, 'Love is not a state of happiness, it's a willingness to sacrifice.' But I believe that quote is incomplete. It should be: '...for someone who is willing to do the same for you.' Because if you're the only one sacrificing, then by definition, you are the only one loving.
The thing is, I do want to experience love. I want to love and be loved in return. But I am paralyzed by the fear that it won't be reciprocal, and that I’ll end up being the one sacrificing everything while he just reaps the benefits.
So, what should I do? How do I navigate this fear without closing myself off completely? Sometimes I wonder, is this just my trauma making me paranoid? Or is this actually a rational survival instinct that I shouldn't ignore? I feel like I'm constantly fighting between my logical brain that wants safety and my heart that wants connection.
@KucingGemoy
It is difficult navigating this because whether people want to accept it or not.
This does happen.
And your needs are equally valid and important.
You weren't put on this earth to meet the needs of a man.
And you've seen what a life evolving around a man looks like and it's not for you.
Love is always a choice.
And a risk.
We don't go in with a set of ultimatums but we do know what our limits are.
It's important to have fun.
And be open to someone.
You can have boundaries.
And make sure your relationship is equal in all aspects.
Respect.
Chores.
Money.
There's nothing wrong with wanting this 💚
Thank you so much for the encouragement. It really helps to hear someone say that 'this does happen' and that my needs are valid, instead of just dismissing my fears. I also really like your point about knowing our limits without needing ultimatums. That resonates with me. 💚
Thank you so much for the encouragement. It really helps to hear someone say that 'this does happen' and that my needs are valid, instead of just dismissing my fears. I also really like your point about knowing our limits without needing ultimatums. That resonates with me. 💚
@KucingGemoy
Your life can be different ...........do not let your childhood or your aunt's experience scare you. When you find your person there is some sacrifice and sometimes it may feel unequal. I know sometimes, I am the one and other times my partner is the one doing the sacrifice.
Life always has some give and take .........and if you are the scorekeeper on the sideline ... you are NOT in the game of love or enjoying it.
I think many relationships struggle by always counting who did what.
That’s a beautiful perspective, thank you. I’m definitely okay with the natural give and take where sometimes one person carries more load than the other. I guess my trauma just makes me hyper aware because I want to avoid a situation where it becomes 80/20 permanently.
I’m happy to step up when things get tough, as long as I know the dynamic will eventually swing back rather than becoming a permanent imbalance. That’s the only 'score' that matters to me. But I agree, keeping score too strictly kills the joy.
That’s a beautiful perspective, thank you. I’m definitely okay with the natural give and take where sometimes one person carries more load than the other. I guess my trauma just makes me hyper aware because I want to avoid a situation where it becomes 80/20 permanently.
I’m happy to step up when things get tough, as long as I know the dynamic will eventually swing back rather than becoming a permanent imbalance. That’s the only 'score' that matters to me. But I agree, keeping score too strictly kills the joy.
