Letting go
Hey Guys
So I have known my x partner for coming on to 4 years, we were together for 2 years up until around 18 months ago where I called it a day due to a few reasons, one being my father getting ill meaning I had to devote a lot of time to helping out with him so it wasn’t left all to my mother, I told my x she deserved more and I couldn’t give her what she wanted not that she asked for more and she understood my decision.
Through our relationship we did have some bumpy roads, sadly an abortion which really affected her which is obvious, numerous agreements some being in public, he got to a stage where we both were walking on egg shells and I was not making the effort I should of.
We still txted constantly for well over a year as we were good friends so I guess I never let go of her, anyway September last year the messages slowed down and I gathered she met someone which she did for a few months but nothing come of it this made me realise maybe I should of not let her go and worked at it. We were still communicating but it was minimal and I told her how I feel she said she waited over a year for me to tell her this and open up as im a closed book but I never did and she doesn’t see herself getting over the past and wouldn’t be able to see if there was a romantic connection to was there basically she didn't want to meet up. She said it took her so long to get over me which made me realise I need to let her go and we should of done that 18 months ago.
i think of her everyday and it hurts, I asked her to block me so there is no contact which she wouldn’t agree to but after pleading with her we kinda said bye and she has.
why am i hurting now if i let her go so long ago, if she was the one surely i wouldn’t have done that?
is letting go this hard? Any advise?
Thanks
@London1984
HI there
When I read your post I thought of "grief". You've lost something really important to you. It would natural to grieve that. And isn't one of the phases of grief denial? Maybe you have left the denial phase and that is why the full import of the loss has only just hit you?
I also thought it possible that you might be grieving two different things - the person of your girlfriend (the initial loss) and the relationship you expected to have (the later loss).
You say you regret not working on it and fear that you might have missed "the one". These are relatable feelings. However, the fact that you weren't working on it suggests to me that something wasn't right, and it wasn't going to work out. Are you maybe looking back with rose tinted glasses? This would likely make the grief worse.
And here's something you might want to think about. I want a relationship to be a partnership. I want someone who will be there when times are tough and vice versa. And I believe that is what most people want. Was your relationship a partnership? It comes across as a bit one sided - when times got tough for you (your dad's sickness), did you turn to your partner for support? Did she get any choice in the matter? You say she understood your decision. But the impression I get is that she had no choice. If a relationship where you make all the decisions and do all the supporting is what you want, this is absolutely fine. But it's worth being aware of that, so you don't end up with someone who is expecting something different. Being clear about your expectations can really help avoid disappointment.
Relationship break ups suck, and I'm sorry you are feeling the worst of it. I hope it gets better for you soon.
Thank you, all your points are valid and its helpful to hear from an outside I am definitely grieving but have to accept her choice.
We both did mention we wished we spoke more about certain things so in terms of being a partnership we were but not to the level we should have been as she could of helped me weather the storm I guess but I didn’t give her the full opportunity to, maybe I used the whole situation as a way to get out of a relationship that I thought wasn’t right like you say and now I am dealing with the letting go stage after so long.
