Lifelong loneliness

Hello everyone.
I’m in my thirties. I have a higher education, a stable and good job, and I hold a management position. I stand on my own feet, I’m a successful and valued employee, and I’m a good friend, sister, and daughter. I try to live a normal, active life - I don’t just sit at home all the time; I go out, attend events, and meet people. But I still feel incredibly lonely.

I’m over 30 - I won’t say exactly how old - and I’ve started to realize that my femininity feels like it’s dying because I’m getting older. The fact that I’m a woman exists only on paper, in official forms. No one has ever really seen me as a woman - not even as a girl. No one has ever sincerely complimented me, confessed they liked me, or even held my hand in a romantic way. I’ve never had to reject anyone’s romantic interest, because there has never been any. Ever.
It’s not normal. I don’t know any other woman who has been in the same situation - wanting love so badly and yet being so invisible all her life.

As far as my personality goes, I think I’m okay. People often tell me I’m kind, friendly, sweet, interesting, and very smart. I even make friends quite easily. Sometimes people literally say, “You’re so lovely and interesting, I want to be your friend,” - and we do become friends. People still tell me, out of nowhere, that I’d make an amazing wife and mother. But when it comes to romance in my life - it’s zero.

From men, as a woman, I’ve only received insults. And when I was a child, I experienced harassment - but somehow it didn’t turn into a fear of men.

The thing is, I’m not one of those people who dismiss romance or choose to live without it. I’ve dreamed of love and family my whole life, for as long as I can remember. I kept waiting, hoping. I told myself, “There’s still time. So what if no one’s noticed me yet? That just means my love will be one of a kind and last forever. It’s impossible that nobody will ever see me. It happens for everyone. Why would I be any different?”

As a kid, I used to draw Valentine’s cards every year and planned to give them all to my future husband. I was sure it would happen someday. I truly believed it for a very long time.
But still - zero attention.

And since my personality seems fine, there’s only one explanation - my appearance. There’s a reason why no one’s ever complimented me as a woman (random remarks from construction workers don’t count). On the other hand, I’ve heard “You’re not pretty” from men many times when I was younger.

I can’t show my photo here, but I can say this: I’m not a model, but I’m also not a monster - at least in my eyes. But men seem to think otherwise. Maybe there are just too many beautiful flowers around, and it’s logical to pick them instead. People always say, “Love isn’t about looks.” Yeah… I don’t believe that anymore. When it comes to that topic, all I have left are bitter, sarcastic words.

You might say I should take things into my own hands and make the first move. You’d be right. But I’m terrified of rejection - it feels unbearable to me. And to make things worse… from stress or bad luck, I started losing my hair. Medicine didn’t help. Now my head looks like a zombie’s. I’ve become even less attractive in men's eyes. Why would anyone choose a bald dandelion when there are so many beautiful, healthy roses around?

I find myself constantly analyzing couples - on the street, among friends, in movies: “What does she have that I don’t? Why was she chosen?”
And the only answer I can find now is - beauty. Or at least, a healthy appearance.

It would be a thousand times easier for me if I’d had at least one relationship in the past, even an abusive one. Yes, that would have left me with other traumas, but not this pain. I mourn myself as a woman, do you understand? It hurts so much. I feel cold - freezing, almost. I’ll never feel the warmth of a beloved hand, never know what it’s like to be someone’s special person, to be cared for out of tenderness. Never. And I’ll never give life to a child born from love.

My pain from these thoughts has even started to show up in my body - through physical tension and discomfort.

I talk about my pain with my closest people, but I meet a wall of misunderstanding. It’s like they just can’t put themselves in my place. AI repeats empty phrases like an echo. I’ve worked with psychologists too, but I never felt truly understood there either. I don’t know how to ease this pain anymore.

Every day I tell myself there are worse problems in the world, and that I should be grateful I don’t have them - but that doesn’t make the pain go away. But I’m still holding on. This pain I’m describing feels fundamental - it touches one of the deepest human needs. And when I compare it to “bigger” problems in other parts of the world, I end up invalidating it.

This topic is so deep - I could take it apart to the smallest pieces. My story is made of sensitivity, humiliation, loneliness, and a body that doesn’t look healthy anymore. What I’ve written here is a very brief version of it all.

I just really, really want to feel that someone understands my suffering. I’m scared you won’t either - but I decided to take the risk and write it anyway. Thank you.