Losing my mind over my best friend who I want more than anything.

We live a couple hours away. She’s 20 and I’m 25 and we’ve known each other since she was 14 and I was 18 (my birthday didn’t come yet) we met on social media and she told me she was 17 at the time but I find out a month later she lied because she didn’t want to lose me as a friend. We stayed close until 2020 when we fell out because of her ex bf. We reconciled in June of last year and I started having feelings for her earlier this year.

We have an extremely close relationship. She tells me how much I mean to her and how much she appreciates me. How much she loves me, doesn’t want to lose me and how I make her feel special and how happy I make her. And I tell her how much she means to me and more. When I started gaining feelings for her it started bothering me heavily because I know that I want her more than anything but I didn’t want to confuse her about my feelings or upset her or anything like that. When I told her how I felt a month and a half ago, She said I made it obvious (which I was kind of trying to do) and I told her if she felt indifferent about it or didn’t like the fact I do have feelings for her then tell me and I’ll understand.

Then she said this: “I really do enjoy you being in my life, I appreciate you so much and everything you do for me. You’re the sweetest person to me and it really does make me feel special. I’m just not in a place in my life right now where I want anything romantic in my life. I’m entering my early twenties, I’m still growing and trying to figure out who I am and my purpose” and I told her I understand that because I feel the same way. I had to explain to her that when I told her my feelings, that wasn’t me asking her out right then and there because I’m not ready either. I just wanted to put my feelings out there to her so she knows. But I told her I understand her 100% because I feel the same way. Then my friend mentioned that I should still ask if she would be willing to give me a chance in the future when she’s ready because it wouldn’t be fair to me to just be content with that and just assume she would give us a chance and then ends up being with someone else and I lose my chance forever. So I asked her when she is ready would she be willing to take our relationship to another level and she said “I mean maybe yeah some time down the road” so then I jokingly told her I hope us talking about this doesn’t change anything currently and that I hope she still loves me and she said “why wouldn’t I 😂” like I said this all happened at the end of June.

As of today our relationship has not changed for the worse at all. If anything you could say it’s gotten better. But I feel stagnant, like I don’t want to keep bothering her about it because I haven’t brought it up since we’ve talked about it. But idk. I’m just scared you know? Because I don’t want her to find another guy and be with him but I know if that happens there’s nothing I can do about it. And I know me and her would be great together and a big part of me feels that she’s just scared for us to fall apart again.

We spent a few years not talking to each other and once we finally did we rebuilt our relationship and it’s healthier, happier and better than ever and I know a big part of her doesn’t want that to fall apart again if we risk the chance of dating and something happens and we break up. But I love this woman more than anything, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her and she knows that. And I was talking to my friend and we were talking about how the next woman we date we want to be our last because the whole process of dating, breaking up and healing/rebuilding is so tedious and it gets annoying and depressing to deal with. We want that next person to be with us forever. And that’s how I feel about my best friend. I know her better than anyone and she knows me the same. And I can just sit and talk with her forever and she’s so gorgeous and funny and just such an amazing woman and that’s so rare to find nowadays.

But I’m just worried I’ll never get the chance to prove to her that she’ll never lose me if we date, or worry it’ll never happen and over the last few days I haven’t been wanting to talk as much with her. Idk if it’s me feeling like I’m putting too much of a burden on her even though I haven’t been bringing it up or even bothering her at all and she stresses to me so much that I can talk to her about any and everything and that we should always be honest with each other and much more. I just don’t know…