My 20 year old marriage might be over.
Hi everyone,
I’ve been feeling really anxious and lost lately, and I wanted to open up here because I’m struggling.
I’ve been with my husband for 20 years, and he tells me that I lack communication and that he’s tired of it. He wants more from me emotionally, but the truth is, I don’t know how to give more right now. I feel like I’ve already been trying, but it’s never enough for him. He says I don’t go deep enough with my emotions, even though I feel like I do. Lately, it’s gotten to the point where I no longer feel emotionally safe with him.
I’m scared of what leaving might look like, I have three kids to support and the future feels so uncertain. At the same time, I’m exhausted from being made to feel stupid and small. My self-esteem is so low right now. I know deep down I deserve to be accepted for who I am, but it’s hard to hold onto that belief. He tells me I need to work on myself to find happiness—but right now, I don’t even know where to start.
I’m reaching out here because I don’t want to feel so alone in this anymore. Thank you for listening.
@Novalee07
You are not alone. It is hard to grow and work on anything when someone is watching over your shoulder or telling us we are not meeting their expectations. How is he at communicating his emotions and feelings? He must have communication flaws as well as communication is a 2 way street.
Can you just be honest about how you are not sure what he wants from you? Have you told him he makes you feel small and unheard when you do share?
In any project where to start is up to the person. There is no one way to start. painting a big wall we can do all the easy big roller work then the fine detailed edge... others may like to do details first then finish with roller area in the end the wall is painted and no one knows or cares how we started.
He’s really good at expressing his feelings he’s confident, tends to overanalyze, and can be very critical. I don’t believe I’m bad at communicating, because I’m able to express myself with other people. But with him, I tend to shut down. I recently opened up and shared how he makes me feel, but his response was that those weren’t his intentions and if that’s how I took it, then it’s something I need to work on. It feels like when I do try to explain my emotions, he either dismisses them or wants more from me, like what I said wasn’t enough. And in the end, he always makes me feel like I’m the one who’s the problem.
@Novalee07
Thanks so much. It helps to know I wasn’t just being sensitive, his behavior really has felt passive-aggressive and manipulative.
@Novalee07
Sounds like someone I know ... my spouse ..... he too often uses the "that was not my intention" line.... that is code of him not being clear. I have to remind him that I can not read his mind and if it was his intention or Not that is how it came across... maybe he should work on his communication skills.
I recently showed him a text he sent and told him "read it out loud as if it was sent to you " and he finally saw it was NOT how he thought he wrote and was not My taking it wrong it was just unclear.
I had to stand up for myself to show him what he meant to convey and what he actually said were miles apart. I was done guessing his intention and I was really done with having misunderstandings put on how I took things instead of how they were presented.
I hear you. This truly sucks! But no matter how many times I try to stand for myself, right away he feels like I’m trying to fight him. It’s tiring.
