My girlfriend is friends with her ex, is that okay?
This is my first time having a girlfriend, we're classmates and we kinda clicked so we started talking for awhile. Things led to another and we suddenly get very close after we bond over our last love. Things were going well, then she warned me she was a bad person right before i confess. She told me she was sexually assaulted by her previous boyfriend and completely ghosted him. But unfortunately, they were in the same school. His class were practically infront of us so she'd get anxious everywhere she goes. And even in the same english club too.
But somehow, she still wishes to be friends with him. Feeling guilty, she wants to have another chance just so things can turn out differently. I brushed it off as some coping mechanism. But it kept happening, where it would flicker between ″I wish he'd get cursed with no ***″ and ″I wish things had turned out different″. Sometimes even asking me for updates about him—?
But then, she moved out. We're in an LDR and she promised me to stop thinking about him. Until that.. fell short of course.. Her ex apologized to her at Eid, which i don't mind with. But then, she started getting closer.. Until, she asked me she wants to be friends with him. I said no, becsuse i'm honestly uncomfortable with the dude aswell (and i've made it very clear before this too). But she insists, so much. It turned to a whole argument. At the end, i concede. She gets to be friends with him with some boundaries. But then she came to me later while saying sorry and told me she was going to stop. It's a pattern with these, really. Where if i reassure she would escalate, and if i actually accepted her offer on stopping she'd argue and i'd be called not understanding her. So i choose the first, and she actually escalates, which turned to another argument.
It's exhausting to see their friendship, knowing what he did to her. Causing emotional and physical pain to her. I know she's probably trying to prove she has moved on, but does it have to be this way?
@Phirapea
She doesn't need to prove anything to him.
It's harmful being friends with someone capable of doing that to you.
He wants to be friends to ease his conscious.
It's not healthy.
She cannot heal if she's going backwards.
And it's not fair that's she up and down with you over the whole situation.
She needs to make a decision to forget him and concentrate on what you both have 🩷
She said she has moved on, but i guess not
I'll have a proper talk with her next time. Thanks for the suggestion <33
@Phirapea
It's completely valid that you feel exhausted because your girlfriend is putting you in an unfair, lose-lose position where you are being forced to manage her unresolved trauma and her enmeshment with her ex. Her desire to befriend someone who assaulted her is a deeply unhealthy coping mechanism, an attempt to rewrite a painful past but by dragging you into this cycle of constant arguments, guilt trips, and broken promises, she is making him a third partner in your long distance relationship. You cannot heal her trauma, and you should not have to sacrifice your own peace of mind, boundaries, and self-respect just to keep the peace. A healthy relationship requires emotional safety and mutual respect, and it is entirely reasonable for you to step back from a situation where you are constantly being drained by someone who is simply not ready to give you a secure, present love.