My partner has detached himself from our relationship while away
Hey guys. Writing here because I don’t know who to talk to.
I am in a gay throuple. I’m the newest member. I have my primary partner and his partner- whom I also love, we just have a slightly different dynamic.
anyways, last Monday my primary partner announced with an hours notice that he was going away for a week. I was upset about this at first- I’ve been dealing with him triggering my anxious attachment a lot (through doing things like this) so I was able to move on quick. But during that first week he would only text us good morning and good night, and if we reached out to him we would get short replies or one word answers. When I brought this up to him he said I was being over anxious and over dramatic.
Saturday I found out from my other partner that he had decided to extend his trip another week without telling me. He did apologize to me for this, but again, blamed me for being overly anxious and needy in communication.
this morning we found out that while in New York last night he met up with his ex at 2am for closure. He was really excited that they got closure- and I was too, I’m all about ending things well with an ex- but then he told us that they were ‘Intimate’ but refused to say more. This made me really upset- both me and my other partner- and I went off on him. He started telling me that I was ruining the closure he felt and that I was being really *** and that I should be being supportive.
to be honest, because of all of this I don’t know if I’m in the wrong or right for feeling frustrated and defeated right now. I love him so much but it seems he can’t take any accountability for the way his actions hurt us. I don’t think I’m an overly needy person. I just want basic communication. I don’t know what to do, but I feel ***. I don’t understand how my partner can hook up with an ex but I’m the one being made to feel bad. I don’t know what to do.
@ambitiousMoon7243
NGL he doesn't sound like a very nice person... hooking up with an ex without telling either of his current partners is cheating, hands down. Every healthy polyamorous relationship requires healthy communication. You have every right to be upset because he's not being open and honest with you, and doesn't want accountability.
I say you and the other partner tell him point blank that this lack of communication is unacceptable. Otherwise he'll do things like this in the future.
First of all, I think you’re being completely justified in being upset that he only told you an hour ahead of time that he was about to be gone for a whole week. Unless he also only found out an hour before that he was unexpectedly leaving? It’s also messed up that he isn’t communicating with either one of you while he’s gone. And then he extends the trip by another week and doesn’t even tell you? No ma’am. Also, unless yall have an open relationship, you absolutely should be upset that he was intimate with his ex. I mean I guess it’s good that he at least told you what happened but really? And now you’re ruining his closure. That’s just messed up. He has the nerve to tell you that you should be supportive about the fact that he was intimate with someone else? I don’t even know what to say to all this except you have every right to be upset about all of those things.