My situationship
Mapping Out My Situation with J
I need outside perspective on what’s going on in my relationship dynamic with someone I’ll call J. The pattern has become clearer over time, and I’d like respectful analysis and feedback.
The Cycle
Connection Offering
J often initiates with warmth or an invitation — like suggesting we cook dinner together, watch a movie, or spend time side by side.Undermining & Diversion
At the last minute, he disappears, lies about his whereabouts, or replaces the connection with someone else (random hookups, hotel diversions, vague “at a friend’s” excuses).Avoidance & Passive Aggression
If I try to ask for clarity, he shifts responsibility onto me, downplays my concerns with phrases like “it’s not a big deal but…”, or avoids answering directly.Manipulative Re-entry
After disappearing, he reappears calm, acting as if nothing happened, or says things like “everything is fine, breathe” — which dismisses the disruption and erases accountability.Surveillance & Control
I’ve caught signs of him tracking me through apps tied to vehicles or shared devices, even sneaking back to the property while pretending to be elsewhere. This adds paranoia and makes me feel constantly monitored.Repeat
This cycle repeats: an offer of closeness, followed by deceit, avoidance, and manipulative redirection. It leaves me destabilized, second-guessing myself, and financially impacted (I’ve cut short work to honor his invitations, only to be discarded).
Why I’m Sharing
I feel trapped in this loop, questioning my perception, and losing energy and income in the process. I need respectful outside analysis:
Am I accurately recognizing abuse here?
How can I better protect myself mentally and emotionally while still stuck in this environment?
What patterns am I missing that an outside observer might see more clearly?
@orangeDay9174
I think you see it fairly clearly and should break the cycle.
the longer you buy bad excuses and turning on you the more embolden a person becomes to treating you like a doormat. i think some hold on thinking it is better then no one but in the end it is NOT better.
love and respect yourself enough to tell him to find someone else to play games your done.
@orangeDay9174
What I'm thinking can be summed up in one word:
RUN.
He's playing you. Abusing you. Get out of there.
Yep, what you’re describing is abuse. The pattern you’ve mapped out (connection followed by lies, avoidance, gaslighting, and even surveillance) is designed to destabilize you and keep you doubting yourself. Your instincts are right.
A few essentials:
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Document everything — texts, screenshots, times he shows up, financial impacts. This gives you clarity and protects you if you ever need outside help.
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Secure your devices — change passwords, check for shared apps or trackers, and turn off location sharing.
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Set firm boundaries — if you choose to communicate, keep it short and clear: “Do not come to the property. If you do, I will call the police.” Then stop engaging.
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Reach out for support — a trusted friend, therapist, or local DV resource can help you reality-check and make a safety plan. You don’t have to hold this alone.
Most importantly: this isn’t your fault. Wanting connection doesn’t make you weak, it's what we all want on this forum. But you deserve respect, safety, and peace.
Definitely reach out to a DV organization. They have support groups and such, and shelters if you need to escape.
