Need advice

@tidySea8802

Alright, I'm back. 

Circling back to the points I did previously on the foundations of a family unit (protector vs nurturer), this is were the crux of the desire equation fell apart.

Women usually lose desire when men, maybe unconsciously without intending, neglect certain areas that they could have taken cared of, particularly areas related to provision or protection. 

What this means is that maybe there were little things you did not do throughout the years that accumulated, which somehow left her fending for herself without your help. Maybe these aren't overt things that she can verbalise, which makes it all the more harder to talk about and fix. Due to this, her negative emotions festered and festered, which led to this point: her loss of desire for you and her apparent decision to leave the marriage.

It was likely not one instance, but the accumulation of numerous smaller instances which added up to reinforce her decision. And while I don't mean to pry much into your life (since that tends to make people uncomfortable, plus the nature of the 7cup platform promotes anonymity), I am aware enough to piece two and two together after watching the pattern play out a number of times:

A wife decides to leave years of marriage behind in an instant. Husband left confused and unable to understand why or have a means to fix it.

I've seen this situation play out in mulitple different directions. And since I'm here, I'd like for it to turn out well for you.

Now, having understood above that the cause for her negative emotions is due to the accumulation of many "little instances" that made her sense a lack of support from your end, which is the cause of both her negative sentiments and loss of attraction, we can simply address this issue by uncovering "what" those little instances are and finding a common denominator for us to neutralize.

To make this easier, we'll reflect on the foundations of a man and woman again: a man provides and protects, a women nurtures and cares for that which the man protects. 

And since you are a man, these "little instances" likely lie in the realm of provision and/or protection. You can try reflecting back on the times you may or may not have provided certain things or did not protect her in the ways that matter. Maybe you did not provide your children with proper utilities from time to time? Maybe you did not speak up for her when others were shouting at or criticising her? Maybe you did not defend her when your parents kept arguing with her? These little things add up and slowly her desire fades, sadly so. 

She may have noticed a shift in you from the ideal man that should provide for and protect her (in the ways that matter), to someone who did not see her struggles. Someone who could not lead her into a better life where all she had to do was nurture and care for that which you provide and protect (your children and family). 

And this is not to say you are a bad person. I'm sure you did not intentionally want this to happen; nor does any other men out there whose wives may be considering divorce. However, what I've said is the likely narrative playing in her head; the one that led her to her current decision to leave. 

To counteract this, I'll tell you some straightforward approaches, and I'll tell you right now. 

For starters, have you heard of the push and pull method? Well, this one is like that, but tweaked for your situation. It's where you pull back your energy in an attempt to calm yourself while claiming her all over again without effort. It goes something like this: 

You have to give her the feeling that you've given up. Not because you have, but because you realize what she has. That she has something you want the most yet you can't control... without letting her go first —> and that is the choice to desire you and stay. The choice to keep the family functioning or exit the door. That's something she always had. Both of yous always had the choice to walk away (and now she's attempting to use hers).

To nullify its effects, you have to let her know subtly, through your body language that you'd be fine with it either way. And you'd love her either way as well. 

The eyes and look you give her must be that of a man who's distant, detached, and has accepted the outcome of her leaving even before she's left. You show this by being calm and peaceful, less talkative, more kinder (not in a people-pleasing, desperate attempt to keep her, but in a polite and cordial manner that you'd show to any good friend who's about to take a flight to another country — a friend that you'd dearly miss, but can't do anything to change the outcome).

This act shows your wife that you're a man who has the courage to accept a hard decision and move on. Maybe she forgot you had that courage just like her, throughout all your marriage years, thinking you've become so attached that she had all the cards. Now is the time you show her that you're not going to whine about it, and are still strong at your core. 

Sure, you're sad, you feel hurt, but you won't act out about it. You'll be good to her, kind to her, just like how you would to any other good friend who's added so much value to your life. And she's the friend who gave you kids, so you do care about her leaving.

Your detached and fluid demeanor should show her that you do care, but you won't hold her back if she decides to finally go. You are the supportive and accepting husband going forward. 

This will give her the sense that you feel sadness, regret, and you're truly at a loss (which isn't a lie), but you're willing to take it by the chin, whatever the outcome may be. 

When she asks for distance, you give it to her. When she doesn't want to cuddle, you respect her space. When she doesn't want to talk, you remain quiet or go do your own thing. 

For this period, you don't bother her or make her feel any discomfort. Because the discomfort and neglect she felt inside has made her forge her conclusions about your marriage. 

Now it's time for her to breath, while you do the right things that slowly build the attraction she once had for you. Ones based on the trust she first had in your innate qualities of a man (the capacity to provide and protect). 

This requires some introspection as well. So ask yourself, "where did I go off-script? What did I overlook in terms of provision or protection?" 

Let your mind assess your lives together to see where you may have miscalculated or fell short of doing the necessary things a man should. Because the family unit cannot break so easily if both parties do their parts. 

If you haven't lost attraction for her, then she probably has done fine. But if she's lost attraction for you, then maybe you missed a few spots. Simple, honest mistakes that can be recalled if you think deeply (again, they are likely related to provision and protection, so just a heads-up when reflecting). 

To do this effectively, I'll stress to keep returning to your role as a man. It shall be a guiding light for your introspections. Again, your role is simple:

1) Provide for her and the family.

2) Protect her and the family. 

You don't need to talk to her. You don't need to humour her. And you don't need to put up with her ramblings. 

You just need to be there for her in the ways that matter, in order for attraction to build and emotional wounds to heal; these wounds will heal because she will realize that you see her pain and are doing your part to make ends meet (something that she may have been doing all alone up till now). 

As for your actual day-to-day bahaviour, it should translate to this:

1) Silence apart from necessary conversations (fact exchange). She will think the silence is appropriate because your marriage (an important event in your life) is being put into question. Hence, nothing much needs to be said. Words are cheap. The only thing left is work to be done between two people. 

She has done her part to make you desire her (I presume you do due to your posts). Now it's time for you to put in some effort. Effort exerted out of love for her and an understanding of the situation on a fundamental level (due to these comments you've read). Your efforts aim to make her desire you back (dealing with those "little instances" as a man should). 

2) Ignoring negativity, whether from her, the news, or anyone at all when she is present (or even if she isn't, as that's a good habit). Remember, negative emotions are festering inside her, which have led her to lose desire. Any more of them and it will just reaffirm to her that she made the right decision to leave. We don't want that. 

Therefore, treat anything remotely negative like the plague. You may not intend for it, but we as humans are creatures easily influenced by our surroundings. Ignoring may be a harder feat than you think (especially if that negativity is coming from her in the form of anger, subtle put-downs or anything meant to give off a negative intent). 

However, you must remain strong! If your wife or anyone comes after you when you've chosen to ignore whatever negative actions or words they bring, just outright walk away from them. You don't have to say anything, but make it explicitly clear based on your behaviour that "you don't want to hear it or participate in it". Because, quite frankly, "it" has nearly cost you your marriage. No way are you going to keep entertaining negativities in any form, now are you? 

Their detrimental effects have taken shape in a major decision by your wife, and any more of them would lead to potentially undesirable outcomes just like this one. 

This is the boundary you'll create with yourself and everyone else (your wife is not exception — she may dislike it or throw a tantrum, but she'll eventually grow to respect you for it). 

You must tell yourself that you are a man who does not partake or entertain negativities in any form (gossipining, fake news, anything remotely considered negative is not your cup of tea). And you'll teach your kids to do the same as long as you are the man of the house (which is likely the rest of your life or untill they start their own families). 

3) Love and positivity. Given that negative or bad emotions are a huge reason for her current actions, then when we flip the switch, the nullifying approach is plain positivity. And love goes hand in hand with positivity. 

The only time you aren't silent (enactment of bahavioral point 1) is when you are showing love or positively encouraging someone (whether her, your children, or someone else). For example, if a child makes a mistake, you are calm and rational, talking to them without showing negativity or disapproval. Just a simple conversation to help them see the error in their ways. However, when that same child of yours does something positive (such as performing well on a test), you don't hold back your joy like you did for negativity. Instead, you shower them with love and praises, giving them hugs and smiles. 

Your wife will notice the difference, whether you treat her, your kids, or someone else like this (even yourself, assuming you came across some good news that benefit you — like an investment opportunity or something similar). 

Overall, the only time you aren't silent (behavioural point 1) is when you are expressing positive remarks (behavioral point 3). And it goes without saying that negativities must be reduced via ignorance to the best of your abilities (behavioral point 2). These three are what you can tangibly do in the time being, ontop of fixing those "little instances" that only you are aware of based on your history with your wife. 

Do these things, guided by your understanding of these comments, and your marriage situation will likely improve. 

----

>>> If you have any questions, let me know. And if you found this valuable, then do post updates and tag me if you can. I'd like to hear how things turn out :)

Although, do take the things I said lightly. Don't do anything you aren't too comfortable with. Go at your own pace, mate. I'm wishing you the best of outcomes in your marriage!

Catch you later...