Need advice
I need some advice. My wife recently decided she wants out of our 23 year marriage. Who should have to leave the family home. I want to work it out but she doesn't.
@tidySea8802
First of all, my sympathies for your situation. It pains me to keep seeing situations like these play out (where one partner chooses to leave a long-term marriage).
And while I'm not expert sociologist, I know that a huge amount of emotional and financial investment has been placed into the family building process. Therefore, any solution given will be met with some level of resistance.
That is natural. Two decades of marriage can't be settled just like that, at least for your case. As for your wife, it seems like she's already made her decision.
And from the looks of things, you'd prefer to keep the relationship despite her desire to leave. You want one thing, whereas she wants another.
I don't mean to get philosophical, but let me just say this: a family is defined by the mutual agreement of two parties to "make things work" in terms of living their lives intimately. When one party cease to do their part or go against that agreement, then the family loses its form.
It would then shrivel into a new dynamic where one partner is trying while the other is closed off.
The solution to this dilemma is to analyze the desires of both parties and come to a compromise that satisfies both.
As for your wife, she wishes to walk away and start a new life with who knows who. That's her desire.
As for you, you wish to work things out and fix things; to fix the family. That's your desire (I presume, correct me if I'm wrong).
And since I'm not dealing with your wife, but you, through the 7cups platform, I'll operate with mindest to help you (which is to fix the family, by aiding in the process of getting your wife to "desire" to "make things work", just like you).
Furthermore, to do that, we have to understand the fundamental relationship between man and woman. From what I've learnt over the years, the family is built and kept in place by the Will force (or strength) of the man while the woman is the one who deals with it's inner workings.
Put simply, a family is like a kingdom. The man guards the borders, fends of attacks from enemy forces, and brings in the kill to sustain the family. The woman tidies things up inside, nurtures the plants, animals, and children while the man is off doing his tasks, knowing full well the she is protected and food will show up on the table.
Now, while I know that modern lifestyles are plentiful and may differ from this simple way of life, it is in fact, the foundation of a family and the bedrock from which a woman shall rely on for her sustenance and continued existence. I am not saying all women are like this or that women are one-dimensional; what I'm saying is that this framework is generally what is acceptable when observing culture and the deciding factor for the longevity of a man's family.
If you prefer to keep your wife and the 23 years of family you built, I have more to say but I am not sure if you'd wish to listen. A quick response can let me know to continue.
Thanks.
Please continue
Please continue
Please continue
@tidySea8802
Hey man. So I'm back. Saw your response a bit late.
I take it you'll read since you did not say much in response, so I'll continue where I left off.
Getting back to the foundation of the family, the man is the provider and protector, while the woman is the nurturer and caregiver (I take it you are already aware since that much has been made obvious in the other comment).
But how this applies in your situation will shed some light on why your wife started pulling back and decided to leave.
And again, while I don't mean bring any controversy, I'd like to say that women are simple creatures. Or to be more precise, humans are simple creatures (which includes men now as well). If one partner does the right things, then the other will be attracted to them, and vice versa.
What your wife's actions tell me (from a distant onlooker's standpoint with no stakes in the situation) is that she has lost desire for you. I'm not sure how to say this any softer without slowing down my typing speed, so apologies if I may come off too blunt. It's not my intent. I do mean well.
But getting back to your wife, it seems apparent that she lost attraction for you, and moreover, may harbour some deep-seated negative emotions of sorts. Because while losing attraction is one thing, ending a long-term marriage is another. You have 3 kids on the line and a history together, so calling it quits impertinently does not sit well if she has only the loss of attraction.
To understand how we can resolve this situation to your liking, we'll have to define a goal. And from some of your past posts (I took a peak, my bad), I take it you wish to fix things still. Meaning, you want your family to stay together, which means you want your wife to not leave, which further implies that you want her to become "attracted" to you again while dropping whatever negative emotions she may hold towards you or the family.
To simplify, in your scenario, there are two goals to achieve inorder to get what you want (your Family's stability):
1. Get wife attracted to you again.
2. Get wife to drop negative emotions toward you.
And from where I'm standing, I think you can kill two birds with one stone. By doing some simple changes, you can get your wife to desire you again while dropping her negative emotions toward you....
I primarily learnt this from a dating coach (among other content I've consumed and experiences I've had), but I'm not going to link you to any of them because there's too much content out there and you'd get confused, losing sight of the simple steps to get you some results. I'll just cut the chase and tell you that.
But my fingers are hurting so I'm taking a quick breather firsts and will continue this in a bit, so just a heads up... I didn't abandon you, just went away for a bit.