Need to be heard and some advice — confused and tired heart
Hello everyone,
I’m here because I need to talk, to share what I’m feeling, and above all to get some advice or just a kind, listening ear. I’m going through a really tough emotional time and feel completely lost.
For two years now, I’ve been stuck in a very complicated emotional situation. At first, I wasn’t looking for anything, but then a close friend, Marin, got closer to me. We started flirting, sharing intimate moments (without really being a couple), and built a very intense connection. But the day before our first official date, he kissed another girl, then started dating her without telling me. I found out from someone else.
A year later, that girl left him. He came back to me, fragile, and I welcomed him because I still loved him. I was there for him, listening and supporting him. Soon, the ambiguity came back: nights spent together, hugs, kisses, emotional and physical intimacy… but still no clear commitment.
Then one day, I found out again from someone else that he was in a relationship with another girl. He hadn’t told me. Worse, despite his new relationship, he kept sending mixed signals to me. When I spoke to his girlfriend, she was kind and understanding… but he denied everything like nothing happened. I had to cut ties, losing both my best friend, my anchor, and the man I loved.
Since then, I’ve been with someone else — a girl I had loved before. But this relationship isn’t very healthy: she showers me with messages and attention, but I don’t really feel understood. There’s an emotional gap, a kind of emptiness. I need a deeper connection, gestures, presence… like I had with him.
And he keeps coming back. We see each other, sometimes sleep together, he flirts with me even though he’s in a relationship. I’m unable to move on. I feel emotionally unfaithful to my girlfriend. I feel guilty and lost.
I’m stuck in a dilemma. I feel emotionally dependent on him, and it’s exhausting. I need clarity, peace, and to find a love that truly nourishes me. But for now, I’m lost between two stories, two hearts… and just one me who doesn’t know where she stands anymore.
Sorry if my English isn’t perfect — I’m French and still learning. Thank you for understanding.
@tvgirllover
I'm sorry that you are going through this. You deserve to be loved, and you deserve better. Not to just be picked up when he feels like it. He is not the person for you, he is using your feelings for him against you, for his own entertainment. I think it would be good for you to be alone for now, to figure out what you want from a relationship. Heal, and find someone who is all for you, who makes you feel happy and alive and secure, not using you. You deserve all the love in the world, don't forget that, he keeps coming back because you are letting him and you shouldn't settle for crumbs 💜💕
I know he’s not the right person for me. I can see that this relationship isn’t healthy, and deep down, I know what I really need is time alone, time to rebuild myself.
But the truth is, I can’t let go. I’ve become emotionally dependent on him. In the middle of this depression I’m going through, grieving my father, losing all my friends, watching my world slowly fall apart, I feel completely overwhelmed.
My mental state is far from stable, and even though I know it’s not ideal, the small moments of comfort he gives me… I cling to them. Because right now, they’re all I have.
I know it’s kind of pathetic. I know I should be able to walk away, to heal, to move forward on my own. But I’m not there yet. I’m trying, really trying, but I just can’t seem to do it.
@tvgirllover
I'm sorry that you are experiencing so much emotional pain. I am also sorry that you are a victim of emotional manipulation. It sounds like you have been punished for having an open heart. From my perspective, it seems clear that the relationship is highly toxic.
You've indicated that he is a man that you love, but you also said that you feel emotionally dependent. Is it possible that you have mistaken emotional addiction for love?
I agree, you need clarity, peace and a genuine love that's right for you.
You mentioned "I need a deeper connection, gestures, presence... Like I had with him." There's this phenomenon called "projection." It describes when a person believes they are perceiving attributes, usually positive and admirable in another person, when in fact they are not present in that person, but instead, are only within one's self. Another way of putting it is seeing what a person hopes to see in another, but the reality is, what is being seen really doesn't exist.
When such projection occurs, a person may fall in love with their own idea of who they'd like the other person to be, instead of who the person actually is.
If you want clarity, I don't think it's possible as long as you are trying to juggle two relationships at the same time. It's worth asking, are you being fair to your girlfriend? I think you know the answer.
Emotional addiction can be every bit as difficult as one that is physical. It's not possible to break free from the addiction gradually, just as it's not possible for an alcoholic to quit drinking gradually.
There was a time, after a breakup, that I decided to remain alone and learn how to be okay with it. I got my life back together, and found myself enjoying my own company. After a while I met someone else, and it worked out really well, and I'm still with the person. 32 years later.
I wish you peace of mind and a fulfilling relationship.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and compassionate message, I really appreciate you taking the time to share your perspective and your personal experience.
You’re right, the situation is complicated and painful, and distinguishing between love and emotional dependence is something I’m still trying to understand myself. The idea of projection also makes a lot of sense, and maybe I’m idealizing him a lot, I don’t always realize it. But he has done so many things for me, he truly has been a good person, present when I needed him most, he literally saved my life. So yes, maybe some parts are projection, but there are also real things I’m not exaggerating.
Regarding your question about being honest with my current girlfriend, I realize I may have expressed myself poorly. I’m not forgetting or replacing her with this other relationship. I love my girlfriend, and while our relationship isn’t perfect, I do my best to make it work. My feelings about this other guy are confusing and unclear, but I would never betray my girlfriend. That’s exactly why I’m working so hard to understand what’s going on inside me, because I don’t want to hurt her.
Despite knowing what I should do, I know I need to isolate myself, work on healing, learn to love myself, and be happy alone. But I can’t, I don’t understand how to reach this utopia. I’m stuck in this horrible dilemma, between the relationship I have now with my girlfriend, which isn’t healthy and doesn’t satisfy me, but is real, and the relationship I had with him, which maybe I could get back, but which isn’t healthy either. I don’t know, there are so many questions, so few answers. I really don’t know what to do overall. I’m lost and exhausted.
Your story about choosing to be alone to rebuild yourself before finding a healthy relationship again is very inspiring, and it gives me hope that peace and happiness are possible.
Thank you again for your kindness, it means a lot to me right now.
