Newbie- small rant about my ex

I can't be in peace knowing that we fought and might not talk ever again. I put so much energy in this relationship, trying to be better after breaking up with the hope of coming back together. But in the end I ended up fighting with her again. I don't think we're right for each other now, if we keep going on with this toxic habit of having ups and downs. Even though, I know we can be better than that. I know so bad we can be happy together. She hasn't replied to my apology message and I think it's better this way, because we need to cool down before I can even think that there's hope for us to at least keep a friendship. I don't want our link to be consumed, but I'm scared it's already broken and don't know how to fix it other than giving time to the both of us. I want to move on, but I don't want to lose hope at the same time. She's truly special to me. Step by step I'm trying to focus on myself, on my goals and so on, but it takes time and I really don't want to lose her. Life's so hard right now.