New to this Community- here to speak
I was debating which community to enter this in and I've landed on here.
I've been married for almost 11 years this April. Way before we got married and she was in the service, you can say there was a honeymoon phase. We knew each other for 6 years before getting married so total of 17 years.
I know of my wives past with her sexual, physical, and emotional trauma, but being early 20s I never put 2 and 2 together about her hypersexuality and ALL thr other stuff. We were best friends before marriage. I am queer (demisexual).
We had a very deep connection before, but we also went through a very much downward spiral from 2014 to 2016 and I lost a lot of trust in her. We've talked it out and she's completely changed and had a deeper understanding of my ADHD and autism. Even the postpartum depression i had that hit me extremely hard, but my body and brain still don't want to respond and I'm unsure what to do. I feel like an awkward teen again, but worst because I at least masked so hard then that I didn't look awkward. Now I can't even mask and I feel all kind of horrible awkward "never had sex" kind of feeling.
I keep wondering...it is me? Do I just not want too? I could literally go days without or weeks without thinking or making a full on forward move. I mean I think about it but get distracted. Is that normal? I try not too. I wish I could be different. Any advice?
@quickwittedCrow3213
Hi. Welcome to 7 cups.
Congratulations on your long term relationship. Its sounds like you and your partner have been through a lot together and have continued communicating and working thru things. Which is lovely to hear.
It is normal for people and relationships to change over time. The important thing is to find ways to adjust with that change. Are you yourself normal? Well of course! We are all unique, so your unique qualities totally make you normal! 😀 Is that a cheeky answer? Probably. But isn't it all true? There will never be anyone exactly like you ever. I find that amazing. It makes you amazing, wonderful, fabulous and special.
Because we are each unique, we potentially all have a unique sex drive. So i believe that the chances of two people in a relationship having the exact same level of sex drive is quite low. There's always likely to be one with more than the other. The important bit is how you manage that. It is not easy. It requires openness and honesty and other challenging things. The more honest you can be with yourself, the better. What feelings do you get when you think about sex?
I once had a rule "try something different". I have a tendency to be afraid of getting something wrong, so I encouraged myself to just do something differently. It didn't matter if it worked or not. Or even if it made things worse. The important thing was that I'd tried it, found it didn't work, and could cross it off and try something else. It started with talking about difficult things and then progressed to doing difficult things. So now I'm a big believer in if you don't give up trying, you can get there in the end.
Best wishes on your journey. And remember how special you are as you.