Not very hopeful for any improvement 😢

Hi... I've visited 7 cups maybe 5-7 times over 3 years. Sadly, what situations I had that were the cause of me even seeking out a site like this are still very much a part of my everyday life. The most upsetting and difficulty I have is that it is not just ONE person nor ONE thing. I've been on this constant downhill rollercoaster with no change of direction in sight. I tried telling myself things will get better, they have to. But each day nothing is better and many days it seems much worse then the day before. I don't wish to saddle anyone with a very long post about all my challenges, defeats and heartbreak. Since I'm now 56 It would end up being a mini novel. Everyday of my life since I was 8, ok maybe not everyday but 99% of them has been ***. I've never told ANYONE the whole story. The closest I came to doing that was a therapist/ psyciatrist that I decided to give a try. After 3 sessions she said to me, that she's never met anyone with such a strong will. That all of the horrible, nightmarish and evil things I've been subjected to would no doubt have broken anyone else her included. I was not attending therapy to be out on some pedastal like some hero. I didn't want to receive the congratulations on the amazing way you faced all of that and are walking and talking trying to persevere..I mean was I supposed to be happy that I was strong willed enough to go through with cutting this life short?? It has all made me feel hopeless for any type of happiness. Maybe my mother had insight when she told me biweekly starting at age 8, that I was a mistake.

Anyway I've been struggling very bad to keep it together for 18 months now.For lack of a better description, I'm at the end of my rope. I mentally nor physically can handle anymore.... the scary thing is I know tomorrow more will be said and done to me ..to push me further.

I came up with an idea to see if it may help, at this point I grasping straws, forcing myself to wake up each day to keep trying..hoping for changes I sadly believe will never occur. Anyway my idea was if someone / anyone (hopefully 35+, I feel any younger then 35 I cannot relate with or feel comfortable. My oldest son is 37....so ya 35 is pushing it a tad bit and it is my own belief that if any younger they would not have experienced enough..hope that makes sense and if that offended anyone, I'm sorry. I cannot change my belief though. Sorry, continuing on, I 35 or older I wish to try just spilling it all out... everything..all 48 years worth to one person. I am not looking for encouraging words nor seeds of hope to be planted. I just want to have someone just listen, in this case read. I hope that makes sense and I sincerely hope I did not come off as rude, difficult or.being a B****. If anyone has the time let me know. It think it will take an hour minimum.