On my birthday today, caught wife self pleasuring herself to smut
So today is my 41st birthday. It was an awful day.
I’ve been recovering from hyper vigilance and codependency now, being a month into therapy. This comes off of my wife having a half year long affair with another man in 2016 and a *** affair she had just a few months ago over the summer.
She asked for a divorce a month ago but we agreed to take things a week at a time for a bit since we have 4 kids
Well today (on my birthday), I walked in on my wife masterbating while on the phone. I presume she was chatting with someone or looking at porn.
Her explanation to me she was turned on by a character in her romance book. A strong, masculine, fictional character. It isn’t a real person but why does it feel like she cheated again?
I'm not sure I buy that explanation. She was on her phone…looking at something. But she does read on her phone. And I know that people do get off on smutty fiction.
This caused me to break my streak of not giving into hyper vigilance and looked on her computer for synced texts. There was nothing there. I know she is too smart to get caught there again. I refuse to look at her phone. I don’t trust her but I will not give in to hyper vigilance anymore.
Still, I shaken to my core that I have not and am not enough for her.
I know I have value and worth because I am working on me (therapy, meds, getting in shape, etc). She has said that she is admits she needs therapy though she said a few of our kids need it more to cope with their anxiety more (she is neglecting to put on her own oxygen mask before helping others, a habit of hers).
If I don’t see progress in her own mental health, this 18 year marriage may be at an end. I worry how that will affect our children but at this point this whole situation may be already adversely affecting them.
@alxofthefort
I am sad for you .. that is not anything someone should walk into. It makes us feel left out of the equation.
I think she has a lot of work on herself and the longer she puts it off the more damage to everyone. after the past affairs what happened? What I mean by that is did you go back to normal or did you deal with the emotions and reasons and items she looked elsewhere for.
I think many people are torn even considering divorce...the may want their situation to work but needs more .. I can see you are making progress on the hyper vigilance. Have you shown her the progress. you made? .. For example ask her if she was aroused why not call for you as a birthday gift?
Not letting her actions further bother you but ask her what book you may want tips to make women aroused.
I can tell you in my world ........my partner just doing what they always have or trying to do what they think I want. It is driving us apart instead of together. I want him to fight for us to not walk around like on eggshells. I want someone I do not need to give a script to ... that knows what i need and if not shows enough interest to find out. If divorcing you will need to get back to dating stance... why not use the charm the interest and all efforts saving this instead of starting over....
toughTiger6481
Thank you for your reply! Those are great points.
Here is what I texted her last night. When she came to bed she acknowledged the text and at least asked for a back rub before falling asleep.
The text:
"If I fall asleep before you, I wanted to share some thoughts (maybe thanks to some of this meditation lol).
My gut reaction was colored by everything happening recently and was way off. What you were doing is a natural and I am so sorry that I made you feel even an ounce of shame. You are just trying to figure out and explore your sexuality and that is something that should be encouraged. A fictional character or a person you are never interacting with in real life is no threat to me, especially if it helps you learn more about what you like.
***…if you WERE *** on an app (not messages) with someone else, I guess that is you trying to figure things out as well (with or without me in the future). Though I would say that is a less healthy way to do that right now, I can't stop you or what you want to do.
If you feel comfortable telling me what you discover around your preferences and sexuality fantasies, I'm more than happy to make those things come true. It can be an exciting thing to explore but it will take work to maintain given our busy life. We just have to make it a priority and not give up on carving out the time for us.
But I am also ok if you decide you don't want to take that journey with me (although I am telling you it could be very fun lol).
I love you regardless of what you want to do. I know my overall happiness isn't defined by yours, but it does bring me joy to see you light up :-)"
@alxofthefort very understanding perhaps she can warm up to sharing with you
