Please help
Ok so wavetops of the situation: me 32 m her 30f and we have 2 kids. 2 years ago I messed up and flirted on ***. It happened I accept responsibility for it. I realized I had insecurity issues and I went to cognitive behavioral therapy and I’ve not stepped outside that boundary since.
Wife did not deal with her emotions. She didn’t want them to win so she just bottled it up
A couple months ago I go on deployment and she just starts having outbursts and realized in her own she needed therapy to heal and move on. I support this and try to help her find one.
3 months go by and I realize now that I was clinging too hard to make it work and never gave her the space to work her stuff out. I’m like alone here. Don’t have a good support structure and so losing her was the only thing I could think about. We got into an argument over something that she admitted was small and she brought up the idea of a trial seperation. I have no idea if this was her or if her friends suggested it.
She has a therapy session yesterday and today she drops the hey we’re separated. She says she doesn’t plan to tell anyone. And her goal is to come back from this and her goal is not divorce.
I’m out here still on deployment feeling the most lonely I’ve ever felt in my life and it really sucks not having someone to call home to.
We have the boundaries set like we’re not going to talk to or like seek anything from anyone of the opposite sex including comfort dating etc. we have like an understanding that I can call the kids whenever. She doesn’t want it to be non contact but wants less contact so that she gets the space that I didn’t give her when she needed it.
Also like I had an epiphany right before she dropped the bomb that she wants one. I’m a fixer I kept trying to fix it instead of acknowledging her feelings and giving her what she needed. Like it was just 3 days too late I guess.
Talked to her today tried to make her feel heard and validated. She said my main thing is I try to control everything and I need to stop. Like I give her opinions and stuff on stuff that she’s not looking for opinions on. I tried to control the terms of our separation without just trusting her. And ya I realize now I did this. And I want to change for myself. And I want her back
Basically if anyone has been through this can you please let me know how long it lasted, if it worked out, any advice? Should I still text her to talk every now and again? Like I just genuinely don’t know what to do. And like how do I get through this without calling her. I workout for like 2 hours a day but when I’m done with my day like I just want to share it with her.
@Jake780
Heyy there, Jake. Thanks for sharing your experience. I can't say I've experienced this situation but I'm here to give you my support and offer perspective if I may.
I'm really sorry you're going through this difficult situation. It takes courage to acknowledge mistake and work towards change, which you're doing so great job on that.
There's no fixed timelines for these situations, and it oftens depends on you two to take the steps to rebuild that trust and understanding. So take all the time you need to work on that.
Perhaps for now, you can focus on your own growth and self-improvement. And whenever you feel lonely, you can engage with activities you enjoy.
Regarding the communication, it might be helpful to respect the boundaries you both agreed on, but express your willingness to be there for her when she needs to talk. It's important to give her the space and while also letting her know you're there when she's ready to reach out.
You can't control what the outcome would be, but you can control your actions and reactions. Stay patient and be open to what comes your way.
You're not alone in this journey, you got the whole community to support you.
Best wishes 💜
Thanks for your response. I know she wants space. I’m using this time to step back from going out on nights off with friends etc and reading some self improvement books. I got into online therapy. I don’t want to be the controlling toxic person she views me as. I don’t want to be the villain in her story. I truly want to change. I just feel so lonely. Like I’m 7000 miles away and she has her work. Kids. Friends. And an amazing support structure so times going by a lot faster for her than me. Im feeling like it’s just dragging on. Im struggling to get through this. I just want to talk to her but I know I need to respect the boundaries that she asked for.
@Jake780
I understand, I can only imagine how tough it must when your fam is so far out of reach. You're on the right track on taking the right steps and respecting her need for space. You're doing great work for yourself, so that's another plus I'd say.
Loneliness can really make time is dragging on. No one can really know long you'll be in that situation as every outcome of a relationship vary, but it will take time.
This waiting game can definitely take a toll for sure. But you're not alone, you'll get through this.
In time, when she's ready, you may have an opportunity to talk to her. So in the meantime, stay strong and patient, you're taking the right steps towards a healthier relationship.
