Psychological Abuse
This is my first post, so I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this, but figured I would give it a shot. I’m a 43yr old man from TX, married 11 years and have been diagnosed with ADHD, depression and anxiety for the majority of my adult life. I’m in weekly therapy and on various medications for the above mentioned issues. My wife and I have been struggling on and off throughout our relationship with various issues and recently I have been told that I have been psychologically abusing her. Specifically during our fights I fall into the habit of defensiveness and gaslighting her. Being labeled an abuser is a tough pill to swallow and in no way shape or form is my intention to do this. My gaslighting results in an extremely volatile response from her and it is getting harder and harder to come back from these giant blow ups. Being labeled an abused also plays into the shame issues that I have which I know can be exacerbated by ADHD. I guess I am just looking for support, perspective, advice etc. it’s a weird feeling and is something that I will be addressing with my therapist in depth, but really just looking for thoughts or tools and techniques to address this. Does anyone have experience with this?
@Jwh099
Hello. This is a fine place to post this. Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable here. I am glad to hear that you see a therapist weekly and are on various medications to help with the issues mentioned. I understand that it must have been difficult to be told that you're psychologically abusing your wife. I understand it is not your intention and it makes you feel shame. It sounds like you both get into heated arguments where both end up not being your best selves. Who said that you're psychologically abusing your wife? I think it is great that you will address this in depth with your therapist. Since your wife and you have been struggling on and off throughout your relationship with various issues, have you ever considered couples counseling?
Thank you for responding. She is the one that is saying this based off of her research online and speaking with her therapist a while back. It’s based on my inattentiveness, gas lighting and not making her feel validated particularly when we are in a fight. We have tried couples counseling on and off multiple times and when we go things seem to get better for a while and then we have a big fight and it’s like we go back to square one. It’s a tough cycle but until now, I was never really aware what constituted psychological abuse. I knew that I had issues with rejection sensitivity and defensiveness but never really correlated those to being abuse. I’m continuing to work through my defensiveness and am trying to be hyper aware of gas lighting but it feels like it could be too little too late.
You’re welcome, @Jwh099. 💙 I hear you. It sounds like you’re trying to understand your own behaviors and how they affect your wife, and I think it’s a good thing that you’re willing to reflect on that rather than simply dismissing her concerns.
Defensiveness and rejection sensitivity can make conflict especially difficult, particularly when you feel criticized or misunderstood. At the same time, gaslighting goes beyond simply defending your perspective, so it may be helpful to explore with your therapist what these patterns look like in your specific situation and how they affect your wife.
Have you ever tried taking a break when an argument starts getting heated, then coming back to the conversation once you’ve both had time to calm down? Sometimes, having that space can help prevent things from escalating and make it easier to listen to each other without feeling the need to immediately defend yourself.
All great points @remina and it is definitely something I need to understand more (gaslighting). I understand the general concept but I need more clarity on the specifics. Even if our marriage ends up failing, I still need this worked out for any relationship in general.
We have attempted breaks, time outs, safe words etc to utilize during fights but things seem to escalate so quickly that those tools aren’t honored typically. There have been times when they have worked but those were few and far between and eventually it just falls off. She is very much the type of person who needs to talk about the issue immediately until it’s either solved or she feels better; I am a much slower processor with an avoidant type conflict style (she is an aggressive conflict style)…so taking breaks to calm down is tough. Given that our conflict styles are so different, it makes fights extremely hard since she is a go go go until it’s resolved and I’m a stand back, process and then respond type of person. Once things escalate and yelling or whatever starts up, I shut down which then just pours gasoline on the fire. It’s a terrible cycle and I don’t know how to navigate that issue either. I think this is also attributing to my defensiveness because I don’t have time to process and respond, so I revert back to emotions and feelings.
@Jwh099
Yeah, definitely! I think understanding gaslighting more deeply is important so you can recognize what it looks like in your own behavior and work on changing those patterns. I hear you, and I’m sorry that the tools you’ve tried haven’t consistently worked when things get heated.
It sounds like you both have very different ways of handling conflict. She wants to work through things immediately, whereas you need time to process your thoughts and emotions before responding. I can imagine how difficult it must be to navigate those differences, especially when things escalate quickly. It also makes sense that you might struggle to communicate clearly when you're feeling overwhelmed, although it's still important to find ways to communicate without becoming defensive or dismissing her feelings.
It sounds like you’ve both been caught in this cycle for a while, and I can understand why it feels exhausting. You mentioned that even if your marriage doesn't work out, you want to work through these patterns for future relationships, which I think is an important thing to recognize. If you're comfortable sharing, what do you feel keeps you both committed to the marriage despite these ongoing struggles?
I think what has kept us committed in the past has been the hope that things will change and get better consistently…and it feels like they do at times, but then one big blow up and it feels like one step forward and two steps back @remina
