Regain Controll
I've been in a relationship for 8 years, and we’ve been newly married for just 1 year. But I feel deeply unhappy, almost on the verge of depression. I don't feel supported by my partner, and I’ve realized that he lies to me regularly, which makes me feel like I can’t rely on him. He’s often defensive, invalidating my feelings, which amplifies my anger to the point where I feel like I’m losing control and becoming toxic. I can’t sleep, I cry for hours, and at times it even escalates to violence — something that’s never happened to me in any other relationship. He can be very hurtful, and it feels like I’m going crazy.
How can I control myself better in these situations? I don’t know how to regain control of my emotions, but I know I need to. Any advice on how I can handle this and feel more balanced would mean a lot.
@rourou0403
There is nothing more miserable then living like that, I have been there. YOU can not change him or make him decided to change... all you can do is change you. How do you feel about the relationship worth it or not? IMO marriage changes some i was in long term thing we finally married and things went weird. I think it is people can be jerks because divorce and such is a pain, messy and costly sometimes.
Learn to depend on yourself more .......find things that supports or fills you. If you know he lies simply do not give him trust he has lost or has not earned. I double checked anything my person said until they realized i did it because they were NOT trustworthy. Trust is earned not demanded or give just because.
His becoming defensive and such is designed to make it seem like it is a YOU issue, it is deflection. I know many may suggest couples counseling but unless your partner is willing to actually put in work.
When you are upset find more self care situations. No longer expecting him to be there like he should. I did this, it took awhile but my partner got the message loud and clear. he made changes on his own and wanted to work on things when he saw ........I just pretended he was a chair in the house that I had to walk around it but left it alone.
First of all, thank you for responding, and thank you for your advice. It’s very difficult for me because it’s my first love, and he meant a lot to me. Letting go is very hard, but now I realize it, and I want to help myself. If you could help me by telling me how you managed, what self-care activities helped you, and what activities, because I feel compeletely lost, and I really want to help myself but don’t know how.
@rourou0403
I got involved with friends and going to gym etc... i also made separate accounts and made sure i was saving and preparing just in case. i get it being first love as my person was mine too..
i can tell you when you find your strength to do things without him he will get it quicker.
i spoke to him telling him "i feel" statements that does not place blame but saying "i feel you do not have my back " told my partner a lot he said he did and i asked for "examples or if he did support why it did not show." i no longer did for him and mirrored his efforts toward me. he did not like it much.... the longer you wait the harder it is.
@rourou0403 Hello. It is sad to hear about the pain and sadness you must be going through.
I am sorry for going straight to the point, but how would you like rephrasing your question from "How can I get the control over my emotions?" to "How long can I not tell myself the truth that I am not happy?".
I believe losing control and getting angry/toxic may cause guilt. Feeling guilty can make you lose control. And that could go round and round, having a devastating impact on your self-esteem at every turn.
What could happen if you started to trust your feelings? Do you think that could be better for your self-respect and peace of mind than trying (in vain?) to control everything?
