Relationship doubts
I am currently in a relationship where I have a hard time trusting my boyfriend of 4 years. At the beginning of our relationship he did somethings that I found disrespectful towards me that I cant really let go off and idk why. Idk if my reasons are valid or am I just over reacting. For example, some of the things he did was that I fond out he was still snap chatting his ex gf who cheated on him. He still had her on all his social medias and hit liked to her selfie pics of her on ***. Another thing was that he followed to many bikini models and liked all the sexy pics at the beginning of our relationship and the only reason he stop was because I told him to unfollowed because I found that disrespectful towards myself, which he did. Since I am insecure because in my past relationship I was cheated I already have a hard time trusting I asked him to check hos phone and saw that he was messaging on fb with a girl he had a few night stands back at the military base he was stationed. There was nothing inappropriate said on the messages from his side, but the girl send him a pic of a them they were In the shower together not fully naked though but he did told her he was in a relationship with me and that he was taking me to a concert for my birthday and how happy and in love he was with me. I know he didn’t said anything bad in the conversation they had, but it bothers me that he didn’t cut her off or black her when she first message him as respect towards our relationship. Like why even tell her our business or even continue the conversation with her even after she send that picture of them in the hotel in the shower. Just to be clear all this happen in our first year. I had to delete and block her or else who knows if they would have continue talking. In the beginning of our relationship he also talked to two of his childhood female friends on the phone all time which made me feel like it was to much sometimes. I remember one day I got upset because one of hos two friends was telling him about her *** relationships and how her ex husband was treating her and just way too much information to my bf. I might have over reacted but I thought it was to much I guess I got jealous for giving her more attention than me idk so I made him block her for the safety of our relationship because it made me feel uneasy of them getting too close. Later on in our relationship I see messages between them before he met me of course when I check his phone again that he tells her that if they don’t find somehow they could possibly date each other. Then she mentions how her mom always thought he liked her and then he mentions how his mom thought they would looked good together. When I read that it just broke me it made me felt that maybe he has always had a thing for his childhood female friend that he tells me its like her sister. While checking his phone I also find out he was trying to meet up with this childhood friend behind my back when she came to Disneyland with her two daughters. I guess they were still talking with each other after I told him to stop. I confronted him and told him why he was still talking to her and why he wanted to meet up with her with what intentions and that I not once saw that he included or mentioned me. So I asked him if she knew about me he said yes but honestly who knows. This all happened in our two first years its been 2 years later and we have been good well at least he block them all for good and he has changed he no longer follows bikini models and respects me, loves me, takes care of me etc. Deep down I know he loves me and I feel that he will proposed to me soon here in a few months he has said so, but now I am the one not ready. I love him but for some reason I can’t forget what he did because it has made me question if I can fully trust him not to cheat in the future. I have been married and cheated in the past don’t want to commit the same mistake again. Even though he has apologized many time for the little things he did I forgave him but I can't forget idk why. I still don’t trust him at all and that’s one of our biggest fights is that I now accuse him of cheating while at work. I feel like I am not at peace anymore. I’m scared that he will proposed because idk if I can say yes and ruined our 4 year relationship. Another issue I have is that I have beg him that I wanted to get married around our first two years and he never did. Now its been 4 years and he is ready but now I have my doubts and I feel like he is only getting married because I’ve been pressuring him over the past 3 years. I also think he is trying to married me because it’s his last year being stationed here and wants me to go with him where ever he gets stationed next in the military. I honestly don’t know what to do or why I feel how I feel. Also excuse my English writing I’m not very good with my English lol.
@ym47 I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be very hard for you. You put a lot of time into this relationship, and I understand you don't want to let go. I'm a little bit too blunt, so I apologise for my maybe bit too harsh wording in advance. But I think you need to hear it from someone. So hear me out.
The things you listed would be major deal breakers for me. I think it's common decency to not talk to exes or past hook ups unless you have kids together and need to coparent once you break up. That would be an immediate no from me. While I believe you can have opposite gender friends, there are certain lines and unwritten behaviour rules you don't cross. He crossed them. Another strike for a yeet. He knew something is a problem for you and did it anyway, without telling you. That's a big issue too. You laid your expectations out to be married by a certain time, and it was completely ignored.
The trust in this relationship is gone. And in major points. If it was him forgetting to pick up the kids from school or a dinner plan, that's one thing. But a major trust break that brings to question the safety, security and loyalty is too much to ever repair I believe.
I know you put a lot of time into this. But the truth is, that lack of trust never goes away. If you get married, you will just waste more time and money and the relationship will end up in a divorce anyway. I would say spare yourself the even more time waste and walk away.
That said, I don't think you are ready for a new relationship after this. You are certainly overdoing it on the constant phone checking part and a little bit too controlling behaviour, (although triggered by having a reason to do so, I would guess you on anxious attachment that would be nice to discuss with a mental health professional) and you seem to have a history of unhappy relationships.
When this happens, it's usually showing unresolved things with ourselves. There is some past trauma there, probably childhood patterns and some sort of mirroring the dynamic your parents had. All of these need to be addressed with the guidance of a professional. There is a reason why you stayed when the trust got irreparably broken and why you didn't stick to your boundaries. It's completely possible that you have a hard time recognising unhealthy men and keep entertaining them. It's important to recognise when this is happening, so you can see the next one and avoid them like the plague, while also healing yourself to be the best version of you that you can be. You don't need to keep an eye on the right man all the time, and I believe this breakup is way overdue.
I believe you know you want to break up, you are just looking for someone to reassure you it's the right thing to do, so here, I'm giving you the blessing. Go ahead. Yeet the guy you should have yeeted years ago. Heal up, and catch yourself a cutie whose loyalty is not even a question 😊