Relationship doubts
Hello! I have been having doubts about my relationship with my boyfriend and what I want from it.
I've never had doubts about anyone before. I've always been so sure about my relationships and I'm so scared that I'm a hypocrite and that I'm lying to him about my love.
We're going through a rough patch at the moment–almost broke up twice last week, but not because of fights–and the fact that we've only been together for a year and at the same time having a hard time makes me wonder if we're actually good for each other. Of course, there are times when I get reminded of how amazing of a person he is, but when we're having a bad day, I can only think of the negative aspects of our relationship and so I'm only focusing on them, therefore not feeling so intensely in love, which is scary to me.
We've discussed that we both feel tired now, because we've been handling some stuff between us the wrong way, but I don't know how to fix all that.
I don't know how we got here. We were so happy before and now I'm mostly anxious and doubtful. I wouldn't say our relationship is bad, I think we're both great to each other, but I've been having doubts because it's been a while since we've started feeling tired over our relationship, so you'd think this rough patch would be over by now. What do you guys think about this?
@frankLychee8616
It sounds like you have put a lot of effort into this.
You have described what happens to many if you both know you have handled things badly recently. Relationships are sometimes hard regardless of the length of relationship. Both people can be amazing and fit a list of requirements but simply is not working. if you are lying about feelings or trying to save because of other outside factors it does not get easier to leave later.
I don't know if leaving is the right answer. I want to fight for us, he does too, and giving up before trying seems really unfair, because we both want it to work. I feel like trying is worth it. What we have deserves effort.
There are many other reasons why we're tired and i feel like it's fixable. It's just all so blurry and we don't know where to start from. We'd both stopped caring about ourselves as much as before, I don't have any actual friends outside our relationship, I've stopped doing things for myself. I've been struggling internally in general, so this has affected us.
Yes, I've thought of leaving of course, because I don't think he deserves this and that I'm not being fair to him. He deserves the world and I want to be better for him. I just don't know how. We're both putting in work for ourselves, but I feel like he's progressing more and is getting more in touch with himself and I, on the other hand, feel like im not moving forward.
@frankLychee8616
I hear you and have lived it and seen it in others... you are correct if you are not doing things for yourself and having outside friends etc it is hard to not have issues. i have found we grow / change and progress at different speeds and ways and it is frustrating to see what we might feel is more progress on things in others and feel stuck at the starting line ourselves.
When you said you did not know where to start the good news is like any mess in our lives, we just start not trying to put everything in order until we get it all picked up. I encourage people who just start regardless ... i have wasted too much time trying to plan or measure progress instead of just doing things that make progress.
Thank you for this. How did you start picking yourself up and just acted?
I feel like I'm focusing mostly on thinking, analyzing, intellectualizing and all this holds me back from taking action. It's so exhausting, because even if you want to start, you hold yourself back. And that's what's making me have doubts basically. I can't even trust my own thoughts and feelings. "Am I hesitant to start making changes because I don't want our relationship to evolve or am I just overthinking this?". I can feel this fear and insecurity creeping into everything I do in our relationship. How I talk to him, how I express myself, how I think about him when we're apart or even together.
The easy option is to leave, yes, because I don't have to try for anyone or change anything about myself. But I think that that's when change happens. When you choose to stay and change. Firstly for yourself, then for your partner. I'm in that stage, I just don't know how to change. That's what making me feel stuck.
@frankLychee8616
I find doing things we once spoke of... like we meant to try a new restaurant etc ... i move furniture around to give our living place a new look sometimes it is not functional and I have to move it back... etc. When we think too much about doing things ....... we find reasons or things to put it off.
I just went and did it ........that brings up ideas of what we often spoke of but never did or put off.... it sparks the part of relationship when we spoke of " we should try this or that phase"
small changes do not take much effort