Should I divorce?
I will try to be objective telling my story. Hope you could give me some advice. I am from Asia and living in Europe for over 10 years. My husband is European and we have a 5 year old. I have high education background and a decent job. My husband has high school diploma and recently got a junior white collar job. The issues have been up and down almost since we got our child. He promised a lot before we started dating. Perhaps both he and I were too naive to believe that those promises would be kept, such as losing weight, learning my language and pursuing better lifestyle. With years of arguing and compromising, I understand that those are not easy to accomplish. It seems he is giving up trying recently. He had financial issue and I helped him with his loans. He promised not to loan more but he lied during our marriage therapy about 4 years ago, I found out the credit after that and he promised as usual. That was once we were close to divorce.
I think he has a hard time to deal with stress in life, which usually ends up eating disorder and overweight. I was trying to help him but all my effort were considered hurting to him. He said he is hurt when I gave any advice or found him articles on the internet. Therefore I have stopped doing that. He spends much spare time on entertaining stuff and I feel worse and worse in this relationship due to his cold violence. Recently I found that he has been hiding loans from me again. This time I haven’t told him that I know about this. It is not a huge amount but I do feel I can hardly trust him anymore.
Somehow I again and again question myself if I have done things wrong which made him to not be able to become a better person. Or maybe I am not attractive enough? I know his political views have become quite far right, which also makes scares me as I am an immigrant. We had happy time and he does help stuff at home after relaxing hours on the games or TVs. I should probably not compare but it is hard to feel balanced when I devote 80% of my time and energy on family while he puts max 30%.
Now that he is being cold to me, plus the loan I know he is hiding, and I am really tired compromising. I don’t know if I should divorce. Being a single mom living in another country could be tough. But I am also afraid that I am the reason that hinders him become better, then we should definitely separate. Although he is not like how I thought he was, I am not really mad at him. More mad at myself why I am so bad at reading people. I know there is no way back if we divorce and I get stuck not knowing what to do.
Thank you very much for reading until here and any of your advice is appreciated!
Our current status is less than 5 times sex during 2023 and we have been living in separate bedroom for two months. Our conversation is only about he kid and necessary stuff. I sometimes try to talk about other things but his coldness stops me after a few minutes and I can hardly find the motivation to keep trying. Whenever we had issues, I am always the person who takes the initiative to communicate and I am really really tired.
@tidyPapaya6160
I think you have done a good job in laying out the issues.
I do not see any improvement is possible and perhaps he is intimidated by your education and job status. some people when are upset about being less successful do stuff like hidden loans etc.
it is easy to be fooled when you have feelings and you believe they are capable of being much more. the situation with living as room mates and only speaking about the child is a sign it is time you protect your finances and separate officially at the very least. I am sure it will be hard being a single mom in a different country is it possible to move back to home country with your child?
Thank you for the comment. My kid grew up here and has strong relationship with my husband’s family. It is unlikely that I could get full custody and it is also cruel for her to force her to move with me. So if we divorce, I will have to be a single mom here to be able to share the custody.
@tidyPapaya6160 Hi yes i get why you think you shouldnt trust me and hiding things from you and the best thing is do what u think is best, but if you need more advice or someone to talk to about this to help you make a rational decison im always available send me a message anytime.
First of all, you are very brave to be in love with someone from different background and culture.
I am a Asian woman living in Asia, but spent my adolescence years in US and Europe. I was in a long distance relationship with a guy I met in England, but chose to marry a guy from my country because I felt safer staying here.
I think being a single mom, and failed marriage is every Asian woman’s nightmare considering the cultural background we were brought up. I am holding on to my marriage only for my children’s sake. No wonder I am miserable. :)
@tidyPapaya6160
Have you tried marriage counselling?
It seems to be fair that he’s an “alright” type of husband, I mean if he “helps around with the house” and “you have had good times” and I presume is a good dad… I have heard of a lot worse, I know we can’t compare but I figure he’s better than my husband 😂 and I’m still with him but then again if for the sake of the kids as I can’t make ends meet if we were to separate… I’m also married to someone with a different cultural background and it’s really hard…
Anyways, so that’s your advantage if only after giving it a thorough think through the pros and cons of it all, and you think you still want to divorce then better sooner and later while you’re young than when the kids are older and you’re older… you can support yourself financially 👍.
Just my point of view.
I wish you all the best.
Thanks a lot for your advice. We tried marriage counseling a few years ago and he lied during one session about his loan. I really have a hard time to trust him nowadays.
@tidyPapaya6160 I want to share encouragement, but my experience is that this is not an issue of you being good enough or him being too stressed out to try harder.
It sounds to me like a difference in intelligence. There is a belief that if advanced education was available to everyone, that the world would be a better place. But...there are a lot of people that just cannot learn, even when education, of so many kinds, is widely available and affordable.
I just spent the last 13 years trying to get my in-laws to become smarter, and I honestly question my own intelligence for wasting so much time with them. I suggested classes, wrote fun cook books with drawings in their language, clearly laid out boundaries, explained that an ugly truth is better than a pretty lie, because the truth always comes out...
Nothing. Ever. Worked.
Because they are not smart, and cannot learn. We are no contact now, because my partner honestly believed she was the problem, and this belief made such an unbelievable mess that we had no choice but to cut them out of our lives to clean up the mess. We are about a year into cleanup, and it is going well, thank goodness.
I guess my only suggestion (though I would never pretend to give expert advice lol), would be for you to try to get an objective point of view from an unbiased professional that does not know you or your husband. This way, you can figure out for yourself if you really are doing something wrong, or if this is honestly just a question of him marrying out of his league, he realizes it, and he feels defeated, but does not want to admit defeat.
I learned 3 languages to be with my partner, and how she has survived her family is nothing short of a miracle. As frustrated as I was with her family, I have come to realize that less intelligent people literally cannot imagine how much effort we, as intellectually gifted beings, put into our relationships. They cannot study and learn, so studying is not effort for them. Studying is trying to learn, and it is a bother that yields nothing, for them. Add to that, when I study a language, I learn it and learn it well. When I study anything, I become quite proficient. Then they feel like there is an unspoken competition, or they know they cannot compete, and resentment sets in. It is just misery for all of us, no matter what.
It really is not that they do not want to give the effort, and it really is not that they refuse to see life from our perspective. They just can't imagine our perspective (because they literally have no experience with being smart and how much effort is required to learn, even when smart enough to learn). On top of that, they literally cannot give the effort without compounding a feeling of failure. They have it harder than us, in some ways. Many ways, perhaps. Capable of simple taskes, and relying on (trusting) strangers for everything complicated. Scary for them.
Whatever path your life takes, I wish you strength and courage. 💗
Thanks a lot for your reply!
Actually he just divorced me. He did not communicate at all beforehand. I had some miserable time and now I can stay calm and try to go through this.
He said he compromised a lot throughout the years because he has no energy to negotiate with me when we decide things, although I always communicate with good attitude. I feel bad that I made him unhappy without sensing it. While I do not really how to make the relationship better if he has issue to naturally talk about what he thinks.
He already transferred half of our shared savings and my assumption is actually he needs to pay out his secret loan as the interest is now too high. He never said he had anything hide from me. I plan to let it go and not confront this. He is a nice guy generally. I am still sad that the relationship did not work out. But maybe this is the best result. And I will have to try to be a good single mom in this cold country.
@tidyPapaya6160 Wow, you are an amazing person. I have never heard anyone handle a challenging situation like this so well. I have no words, only admiration to share.
Wishing you all the best (and lots of warm sweaters)! 😊
Thanks a lot for your nice words. Appreciate it! It is really not easy and my status is up and down. Currently I am typing with tears. It is so hard to accept the fact that the issue is beyond my ability to solve and I have to let go this family. He will always hold a place in heart as we have a beautiful kid together, which also hurts much. No matter what, I always want the best for him and have to manage my worry on if he has or would develop some gambling issues (He does gamble now and then), which makes much sense with the loans when I think about it. Recently I met a rude stakeholder at work and it made me feel worse than usual going through the divorce. I try to pull myself together to think about what is right to do while dealing with the loneliness. Everyone’s kind words here encourage me when I am drown in the sadness. Thank you and wish you the best too!