Should I expect my partner to defend me?
So a while ago we were at my partner's sister and her husbands house we had a bit of a spat, he always shouts over the top of me when I talk or answer a question, so one time I snapped back and had a go at him.
Anyway the time we saw them after this. My partner's mum just mentioned about something she thought I was interested in as a career. Then he hit back and said that's easy and barely a career choice and I just said yes it is... He then started at me saying my previous jobs are hardly a career and not proper jobs. The joke of it is that his wife used to want to do what her mum mentioned. She said hey I wanted to do that. He laughed at her and said yeah but you didn't do it tho did you babe. Even though my partner had done the same, which I reminded him of. He then said she doesn't do it anymore and I said neither do I. Then he mocked me because my current employer was potentially sending me on an engineering course. He said that's a joke you're nearly 30 and doing a course like a 16 year old.
(I take it that he's jealous because he can't read or write)
I was mostly in shock that he would be that rude.
Also throughout the whole thing all my partner said was "well she's not doing that anymore anyway" he responded like SEE. He was chuffed that my partner hadn't defended me, though he didn't understand that she was trying to take the middle ground and diffuse things.
Should I expect her to defend me more than that?
@diligentDrum7773
Hey. I believe if you are visiting your partner's family, you are your partner's guest, and she should be doing her best for you to feel safe and welcomed. If you are attacked, I think your partner should defend you, or at least show you her support. Though some people are unable to resist such an attack, because of their wrong ideas of boundaries and kindness, lack of interpersonal skills or just being afraid it could make things only worse.
Telling arrogant things about your professional education by a person who cannot read, or believing your educational path in the world of nowadays should end when you are teenage I believe deserves no comment.
Maybe his loud voice and aggressive behaviour are cover-up for his very low self-esteem deep inside? Do you think there is any option he could treat you like a good example, not just being petty and jealous about you?
Please, excuse me, but I don't understand why you have to meet in four and go through such unpleasant situations. Couldn't you invite your partner's sister to your place (alone!) or make those two sisters meet e.g. somewhere in a café without their men?
I believe that is not obligatory to meet people who behave in a toxic, offensive and bad-mannered way - with no exception for your partner's relatives. What is your opinion on that?
@jacek73 Thank you that is helpful advice and thanks for reading. Sorry I realised I put a couple of things in the wrong order but doesn't matter as your advice is still relevant anyway.
It has been difficult as I've been trying to support my partner through the loss of her father for the last year. So I've been coming with her almost every time she visits her family to be supportive. Though the way he has spoken to me is taking its toll on me and I probably should do what you mentioned and keep my distance and be supportive in other ways.
I think what makes it more difficult is that last time I saw him he was a lot nicer. Though there are occasionally times like this. Then I get hit with another load of shouting and interrupting the next time.
I think because of this it's like I'm waiting for it to get really bad so I can have a bigger excuse to cut them out. Though the time I mentioned above was pretty bad but getting up and walking away felt like I would be giving in and I feel like I've given in way too much.
You might be right as that's why he does it. I just hate it because I've always tried to be polite. Only a couple of times have I actually voiced my opinion because I don't agree, which obviously sets him off shouting about. The rest of the time I've just stayed quiet and bit my tongue
I'm a quiet person so when it happens I just want the ground to swallow me up.
@diligentDrum7773
I think I can understand that. I don't like unnecessary confrontations, too - unless they present some real danger to me. Sometimes I prefer to just keep calm and wait until the aggressive person's artillery is out of bullets.
However, biting your tongue does not sound like having a happy and relaxed family time ☺️
I can tell you some story: I've graduated, but I often work as a blue collar. We are hard working, underpaid and often frustrated people. Recently my colleague started to shout on me, that I am working too fast, because (according to him) our management was silly, and our co-workers (except two or three of us 😉) are "smart donkey lazybones". I just listened to him and said not much, smiling a bit, knowing he might be partially true and nothing can change his opinions. When he stopped grumbling, he reached out his palm and handed me some coffee candies. This moment I thought he might like me 😉
But I've had some really hard time deciding if that was wiser to react automatically or not react 😊
