Should I stay or should I go
I am new to 7 cups but find myself in a state which is not bearable.
I am in a man who is in a marriage with my wife and since soon 20 years. We have three kids together (16, 14, 11). We have mostly had a good time and we have supported and let each other do what we each like even when our kids where younger (they are now teens all three). Since many years I have felt the situation being OK but clearly lacking in one area, intimacy and nearness including sex. Perhaps more widely, our way to allow each other autonomy to explore and focus on our different interests have been positive in many respects but we do not share many hobbies and priorities different things which has made our bonds less strong.
Now I have had a growing feeling for quite some time that I am not happy in our marriage. To complicate stuff, I travel globally for work and have started to collaborate within a group where I have a set of new colleagues. One of them and I have falling wildly in love and it has turned into a love affair since about 10 months. We meet about monthly for a few days for work but they also include nights together. This person is recently out of a marriage.
This has been a very joyful situation for myself but the double-game is unjust, unfair and destructive. I feel it has been needed for a while in order to land in my own decisions about ”Should I stay in my marriage and let the other relationship go”? ”should I stay in my other relationship and let my marriage go?” or ”Should step away from both and focus on myself and my parenting”?
I am superclear about the steps forward one day to shift over to another clear idea the next - confused!
Should I stay or should I go?
@calmStrings4002 I am also new! Sounds like things have obviously gotten stagnant with your hubby. You said you spent many years just feeling "Ok", but we all need more than that. Have you come to him with your feelings? It's healthy to have hobbies you can both indulge in separately, but I understand feeling disconnected. Is there anything you both enjoy and can do together? Maybe find something new that you can start up together.
I think this new guy is just looking good to you because they are shiny, new and offer something in which your current relationship is lacking. I think you are already over-stepping bounds by calling it a "love affair", how far has it gotten? The fact that this person has recently gotten out of a marriage is raising some flags for me. How recently? Are they just on the rebound? I, personally, wouldn't throw away my marriage for what could very well be a fun-time fling to him.
Only you can say if you are truly done with your marriage. I'm not keen to the many intricacies and details of your relationship. If you still feel in love with him, I would have a deep conversation where you lay out your feelings, and go from there. If he is understanding, agrees, and also wants to work on getting closer - I think it's worth giving it some effort. It's normal to have a wandering eye when things get dull, but a great relationship takes work from both parties. You have to choose each other every day.
@calmStrings4002
I am a man, too, and in the situation you are talking about I would stay calm and keep extremely cautious, because some things are not as easy as they seem to be at first glance.
It can be very tempting to dump an old relationship and switch to a new one (instead of going through the loss and grief, and starting over from scraps).
Your new relationship can appear budding and shiny. But to what extent it is rock-solid, and how much it depends on the delicate equilibrium you are both in (she during a divorce, and you cheating on your wife)?
Let's make a thought experiment and change the roles: It could be even sarcastic to imagine the person you are with for 20 years as your new, passionate and understanding lover. But how could you imagine your friend as your long-time spouse in 5 or 10 years? Sometimes it works very well, sometimes not.
The period just before or just after the divorce can be tricky. Now the connection between you and your partner might be supported by both of you sharing the same experience and emotions (what seems to be gone in your marriage for years). But how long can it last like this?
Sometimes newly divorced people are suddenly engulfed in guilt, or start to express "leave me alone" attitude.
But rejoining your wife could also be seriously complicated by the fact you cheated on her. And divorces are usually painful.
As for me, the third option you listed - to stay away of troubles - has worked best. But these are our lives - it is not only about what is "right" or rational, but it is also about lost chances and things we can remember when we are getting old 😊
Either of your options is based on some factors, and - weighting the circumstances - none of them can be totally wrong. But be careful, because every cause brings an effect, and every decision takes risk and responsibility...
