Should I stay over?
TL; DR In a great relationship for 2 years and want to stay with my partner like we used to before I moved back in with family.
22 F. Been with my partner for 2 years, about twice my age to get that out of the way. Very cared for, very supported. Slowly empowered in myself and supported in that too- I have the ability to point out damage and keep myself safe. 2 years and going.
My parents found out the second night we spent together- they couldn't do anything about it, but managed to fish his number from my phone (they were on another continent) and didn't hesitate to ring him and demand I be sent home...which I was, in shock and tears.
We didn't know what we were, so didn't disclose the age difference. They shifted from overseas and I moved back in, slowly trying to introduce them to what was then a brand new relationship. My partner was kind, shy even. Had their cats over at our new house, had them over for dinner, and they even helped us move our stuff.
We were working up to my family, hoping that once they understood we were serious, We would sit them down and explain to them our goals. That never came. Around Christmas I let slip and it was a disaster. I spent my new years eve racked with sobs, having to be held, terrified for our future.
Before I moved back in, i was practically living with my new partner. Being dropped to and from where I went, to my own place as needed, close access to public transport if i needed to go myself, money to take a cab, anything I needed. I was very independent and very much making a choice. We stopped spending nights together since I moved back in because apparently, it's an offence in our culture (new information to me, since we're neither overly religious, nor conservative).
Now I can't even talk about my partner without being spoken over, having my sentiments dismissed or trod over, faced with anger and insult. My partner has blocked my parents' numbers because every time we spent a few hours together, we'd both get calls and texts back to back, out of the blue. I cannot count how many 3 am car rides home have been spent in tears and horrible desperation.
Our relationship is still strong- we want more of each other. My partner has been immensely understanding- still drops me home each time we meet, no matter how late. But it's started to get to us both and we're going crazy that I can't just put my foot down- at thwir worst, my family has said they'll kick me out, are disgusted by me and my partner, called them names and insults. Apparently I 'broke up my family' (we still all live together, get along great, are functioning well) caused them health conditions, ruined my sibling's psyche...and to top it all off, they blame my partner for how distressed this situation has made me. I've considered disappearing, many times. All this if I ask to stay over at my partner's for one night, so we can wake up together with their cats, make each other breakfast. Like we used to.
I turn 22 in a day. I'm committed to spending the night but terrified of ruining my own birthday with their reaction. Should I just do it?
Thanks for making it this far.
I’m an outsider to your situation so take my advice with a grain of salt (aka your own reasoning and logic) of course, but honestly? It sounds like your family is being overly controlling. While 2 years (in my opinion) is a bit too short of a time to full on live together, you two have clearly done it and have had a good experience. Everyone’s different, so different relationships progress at different rates. I’m somewhat concerned about the age difference between you and your partner, but your choices are your own and if you two love each other that’s your choice.
However, your family- something needs to be done, if they’re causing this much distress. Are you in a situation where you’re financially dependent on them? Because if not, at least in the US, you are a legal adult, and thus they can’t control you. The question comes down to, which would you choose- your lover or your family. And keep in mind that there may be some people in your family who do support you and your relationship. Cutting ties with some is not the same as cutting ties with them all. As to your birthday- what do you want to do? If you really want to spend the night, do it. It sounds like your partner makes you happy, and your family’s reactions only bring down your happiness. If they’re willing to bring down your mood and yell at you on your birthday because you were being happy with someone you love, they’re probably not worth the mental stress and sacrifice that you’re giving them.
Happy early birthday in advance, and I hope everything figures itself out. I’m rooting for you <33
I suppose I should mention this for good measure- my parents and family are caring. They'll occasionally get me things I need without my asking, advise me on importnat matters, and I do rely on them in that familial capacity.
This love that so suddenly transforms has been what leaves me confused about my own desires- I ask myself, should I really rock this boat and cause a panic if they're capable of being so familial most times? Is it possible that a small discussion might make them finally see things as they stand?
This has been the reason that for two years my partner and I have been deprived of the simple pleasure of waking up together in the morning- for two years now.
It has also been the reason we see each other for one day out of a whole week, and that's at most...it's become an instinct to watch the clock and quietly put our shoes on as it inches on past 10 pm.
I haven't even been able to have a night out with my partner, exploring new and fun venues, since I always have to be driven home.
Does this knowledge change your opinion? It makes me question mine. (Note- my questioning myself isn't some indication that I'm wrong, or in denial about them being right, which is how they argue when I try ro be transparent about my dilemma- it's just a lack of self-assuredness and a tendency to please.)
@violetstar13
hmm. You’re right, that definitely changes the situation. In that case, you should probably try to make them adjust to your boyfriend. I think you already said you’re trying to stay away from each other for them not to be mad, but maybe try having him interact with them more? It doesn’t have to be big or anything, but like, if he says happy birthday and wins over an aunt or sibling, that would make it easier for your parents to accept as well (and this is all under the assumption that you’re not already doing so. If you are, there are a few other things you can try?).
If he’s already won over (or tried to win over) at least… I’d say 3-5 people in your family, try doing something like a trip. Your choice whether to bring some family or not, but somewhere fun, and take lots of pictures. You can post or not, but if you show them somehow (not too obviously or it might invite argument) then they can see that you are happy with him, and might change thier opinion somewhat.
overall, however, the baseline stays the same: does your family or your partner come first? I know it’s hard to choose, but it’s not fair to you or your partner to just deal with this stress for a long period of time. If the issue cannot be resolved with your family, you need to think about next steps.
@compassionateCake680
TL; DR: More disasters; Winning anyone over or having a trip is practically impossible.
I've thought and desired exactly the kind of scenario you described. My partner has met my parents a handful of times but they're always very obviously cold. Our first language isn't English, but his is, and sometimes when he's around they'll ask insult him or insinuate things about him that I can't even repeat to him, while he's right here. They won't look at him, and when they engage with him it's always interrogative/ confrontational.
It happened most recently at my graduation. I went with my whole family and since it was my day, i invited my partner. And I did inform them, although they deny it. They'd all met 2 days ago on my birthday ( I didn't end up staying over and cried for hours instead- I was showered with so much love, I just couldn't choose myself if it meant hurting my parents in any way.) Since I sat between my family and my partner for the most part they didn't fight. He was nice and very obviously making me laugh. My parents would often interrupt our conversations and imply i was ignoring them, when i was simply trying to relax and talk to everyone. (This is my birthday dinner, mind you).
On my graduation it all vanished. My partner was working remotely just to be there with me. (He works a job where he can't take days off a lot, and is often on call.) He showed up for me, but my father immediately frowned, shooting both me and my partner dirty looks. My mother took issue with 'why I hadn't told them'. She did take photos of us but the moment I stepped away she told him she 'wants to sit down with him soon and discuss a few things, address the elephant in the room and get some answers for some overdue questions.' He was ambushed, while working. No regard for me or my achievement. He tried to ask them questions and greet them and they often ignore him. Whether out of being genuinely distracted, which it partly may have been, or out of wilful ignorance, which I'm sure played a part, I don't know. My sister came, and she had no control- she insulted him at once, in our first language. I was flabbergasted.
He hung around for a half hour before he couldn't take the coldness anymore. He was unnerved by it since they'd been so welcoming for my birthday just a day ago. He'd considered making plans to meet them again himself before my graduation, planned to take it up later that week when we were all free. And then they had to be like this.
It ruined my whole day, i cried a lot, and basically couldn't celebrate the degree I'd worked for 3 years to get. My family couldn't fathom why I was upset at them, even after I spelled it out. They proceeded to call him while he was in the office (which he told them he was going to do before he left) to ask him 'the real reason'. I was called a lot of ugly things that day for calling them out- 'selfish' being one of them.
@violetstar13,
your family is behaving toxic. Now they might not like the fact he's much older but that's not an excuse.
Ever considered moving out?
@dukeofdearham I've thought about it and wanted it for a while but working towards it is slow. I just got a low wage job in a very unpredictable industry. The cost of living isnt exactly a help either.
My family just moved into a new house and that's also a financial obstacle.
On top of that, my family does express care for me. They went out of their way to buy a lot of things for my graduation which was above and beyond, pushing themselves to travel a long way to attend, and make sure i have every little thing from the right shoes and flowersto an expensive photograph. On top of that, they've told me what I want is normal for my age, they're just not ready to deal with me taking that step in my life apparently.
@violetstar13
@violetstar13
That sounds horrible. I’m sorry your graduation day sucked so much (but congratulations on the achievement!)
At this point, I’d say move out (like I think dukeofdearham said too). Of course it’s real life, so it will definitely be harder than it sounds, but if your partner makes you happy and your family can’t accept him, make them long distance contacts. From what it sounds like, your partner is trying your best, but your family is making it really hard, especially your parents. Move out, tell them that you’ve graduated and need to become more independent. You said you didn’t want to cut ties with them or anything, so try moving out into a separate apartment (if you can afford that of course, I know that in the US that’s usually pretty hard). Your parents won’t be able to control who you spend time with as much, and you can visit your lover without them knowing as much. This isn’t a long term solution of course, but for the present, for you to keep the peace in both sides while prioritizing your happiness, it may be the best idea. Try talking to your boyfriend too, see if he has any ideas or suggestions, because it sounds like he’s also being hit really hard by this.
Make sure that you prioritize your happiness above the other factors though- it’s your life and honestly? Live it as you want. Congratulations again on graduating, that’s an awesome achievement and I hope you make it far <3
@compassionateCake680
Thank you so much, your words really do mean a lot. I'm not sure what I'm going to do but just saying it out loud has been hard enough so I'm really grateful for your suggestions and advice.
@violetstar13
Im glad I could help. You’re super brave for being able to say it all out loud, I know sometimes that’s the hardest part. I’m down to chat anytime if you ever need someone to talk to :)