Should i break up? (tmi, nsfw)
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 9 months and though he is flawed, i will say he is a great person. He can be very sweet and empathetic towards me but he has begun treating me worse over time. I understand that the first three months are always special but something i can’t get over, is how he’s changed in the bedroom. I suspect he has a porn addiction. For context I am a trans man (born female, lives as a male) and he is cisgender (born male, lives as a male). He has been neglecting my needs in the bedroom and withdrawing sexually for the last 6 months. Every time I try to bring it up, it turns into something big and he gets super upset and has a million excuses as to why he doesn’t want me to ***/experience pleasure. I’m not sure if this is some anti-feminist rhetoric he’s been exposed to, or if he is just very insecure about his performance. When we do have sex where both parties *** and give aftercare, it’s so amazing. I genuinely have no clue why he just refuses intimacy with me, or specifically, intimacy that is also involving me and my pleasure. I get that it’s nerve wracking, but c’mon, he does have a little experience, I do not criticize anything he does in bed (because there is nothing to criticize) and he gets so much reassurance. I feel like he might just find me unattractive or not value my sexual needs that much. But i don’t know! I have no idea what goes on in his head! We have great sex for all I know, I’ve been told that I am pretty so many times (and think so myself). His excuses so far have been something he was able to get over when we first started dating, I mean, we had sex everywhere, we tried everything, and now? almost nothing. This honestly takes a huge toll on my mental health and self esteem, and I feel that the true reason he refuses sex is because he is porn addicted. I can never look through his phone, especially twitter, camera roll, ***, reddit, ***, and he has begun acting violently in bed whenever we do have intimacy. He is super fixated on superficial stuff like genital size, how much I sound like I’m in pain, hates when I’m on my period/sight of menstrual blood, wants me to be completely shaven, wants me to dress up “e-girl/goth-like” and expects *** even after eating greasy food, expects me to be able to squirt and *** from penetration alone. I don’t know what to think. Our sex is completely centered around him feeling pleasure and overpowering me and me being pretty and being in pain. I’ve dated porn addicts before so I know the signs. I just hate that he won’t even admit it. I want to help him, truly. because outside of our sex life, we are doing pretty good. I just feel so much resentment for the sexual frustration and blue balls if you know what I mean. Has anyone ever dated someone like this who changed? And how did you guys do it?
@Malteffs
Hey, first of all I just want to say I’m really sorry you’re going through this. What you’re feeling is so valid, and you’re incredibly brave for sharing something this personal and painful.
It’s clear that you’ve put a lot of thought, care, and love into this relationship, and it hurts even more when that same energy isn’t being returned, especially when it’s tied to something as vulnerable and intimate as your body and identity. You deserve to feel wanted, safe, respected, and cared for not just emotionally, but physically too.
Reading what you shared, it sounds like this isn’t just about mismatched libidos or phases it’s about your boundaries being ignored, your needs being dismissed, and your self-worth being slowly chipped away. That’s not okay. Love is not supposed to feel like you’re constantly trying to earn basic decency. And intimacy should never feel one-sided, coercive, or unsafe.
You’re not crazy, you’re not selfish, and you’re not being too sensitive. You’re someone who wants connection, mutual pleasure, and honesty and there’s nothing wrong or unreasonable about that.
It’s also okay to love someone and still recognize that the relationship is hurting you. It’s okay to hope someone will change and still choose to protect your own peace and body. You matter too much to keep settling for crumbs while your needs go unmet and your voice goes unheard.
If you decide to walk away, know this: you are not giving up you are choosing yourself. And that’s one of the bravest things a person can do.
Whatever you choose, I’m rooting for you. You deserve real love. The kind that sees you, cherishes you, and makes you feel safe in every way.