Small issue, big fights
(Sorry this is so long, I don't know how to be brief!)
My boyfriend and I don't walk at the same pace. His normal walking speed is faster than mine, and I understand this isn't an unusual dynamic for male-female relationships. What is unusual is that when we walk together, we seldom are able to keep pace with each other, and when I ask him to slow down for me, he always responds negatively, with either a groan, eyeroll, or a comeback ("you just need to walk faster!").
We have this argument at least once per week, and after being together for nearly four years, I am completely fed up with it. I hate that asking for something so small is always met disagreement. I hate that he is so dismissive of my limits, constantly questioning why I "won't" walk faster, even though I've told him again and again it's a matter of "can't" (ability) not "won't" (choice). It feels like he is completely unable to believe me when I tell him I can't keep up with him, despite the fact that it's been happening for years. When I try to talk about this issue (or any issue), he shuts down, which means I end up ranting and nagging and crying to fill the space, and he does nothing.
I understand that to some extent this situation is not fair. I am asking him to make a change for me, and I am unable to make a change for him. But isn't that what love is supposed to be about? Making sacrifices out of kindness and love? I've made sacrifices for him without asking for anything in return. Why is it such a big ask for him to slow down for a five minute walk with me?
I'm at the end of my rope here. I feel mad, insulted, and deeply sad all at once. I told him I want to see a couples counselor because the two of us aren't going anywhere with this fight. I hate that such a small thing is tearing us apart. I just need some kind of reality check here. Is this really the thing that could break us up? Such a small issue, but also our biggest one. Thanks for reading!
@SingHappy,
you are not asking him to make a change for you. You are asking for understanding and being considerate. If this is so hard for him then I wonder why.
I used to be a pretty fast walker. I walk more slowly now and I enjoy it, it's like being more in the moment. I used to consider walking just as a means to go from A to B as fast as possible to reach the destination as fast as possible and then enjoy and relax. But it's the whole journey one should enjoy, it's far more relaxing for me now.
Thank you for your response! I really appreciate your perspective as a fast walker. I love how you talk about valuing walking as a relaxing, enjoyable journey rather than a fixation on getting from A to B quickly.
Thank you also for your comment that I'm not asking my boyfriend to change, just for him to be understanding and considerate. I've spent a lot of time questioning myself on whether I'm really asking for something unreasonable, and it really helps to hear someone else's stance. I'd like to talk to him about why he doesn't see it that way.
@SingHappy
I don't think it is right that your boyfriend is being rude to you when you ask him to slow down or for him to wait for you. I believe he should do one of these at least. Since you two are trying to spend some quality with each other. I think going to couple counseling can help both of you and make this relationship last. I am sorry that he is hurting your feelings.
Thank you for your response! I really appreciate your kind words. My boyfriend is really against couples counseling, but I do want to try it. Even if it doesn't help, at least we'd be trying to tackle the issue in a new way, instead of the very frustrating usual way we fight about it.
@SingHappy Fast walker here (and female). My ex used to walk with his arm across my shoulders and it drove me nuts because it made me walk slower. When I told him that I didn't like it, he confirmed that he did it because I walk so fast. So I suggested that he hold my hand, and it caused me to walk slower so as not to drag him along. lol
1. Your boyfriend is not acknowledging how his actions occur for you. He's making you wrong for both wanting to walk WITH him and not being able to walk as fast but............
2. Why can't you walk faster? Do you have a physical condition that prevents you from being able to pick up the pace? Is there some validity to how you occur for him?
3. If it is true that you can NOT keep up with his pace and he refuses to slow down to walk with you, the bigger question is why? What's "there" for him? What does he feel like he's giving up to walk with you? These are things to discuss with that therapist that I hope you get. If he refuses to go to therapy and he refuses to acknowledge you in this situation, you've got something to think about.
Thank you for your response! I really appreciate how much thought you put into it, and I'm intrigued by your perspective as a woman who is a fast walker. My boyfriend does the arm around shoulders and hand-holding as a means of pulling me into a faster pace, I know exactly what you're talking about. It's another thing that really upsets me, since I really like intimate gestures like that, but it feels like they get weaponized against me.
To your question about why I can't walk faster, that's a very sensitive subject for me. I don't believe that I need a specific reason or malady to justify myself, and when my boyfriend asks me the same question you are asking, it makes me think he's judging me and doesn't believe me. And that's awful. I'll assume that you aren't asking that question from a judgemental place, so I'll answer truthfully: I can't walk faster because I have a very low stamina level, when I try to push myself to walk faster I tend to develop painful ankle cramps, and I don't see how someone who has seen me struggle to keep up and cry through ankle cramps regularly for 4 years could doubt the validity of what I'm saying here.
I think a lot about the "why" myself. I know he likes to get from point A to point B quickly, especially when it's cold (he refuses to wear a hat and scarf). When he tries to slow down for me, he makes a big show of stomping when he walks, his mind fully involved in each step. It's very childish and petty. I often tell him to go on ahead of me when he's not able to slow down, and he hates that option too because he doesn't want to "abandon" me. It makes me crazy that he will care so much about being a "gentleman" when it comes to not walking away from me (even though I've asked him to), but he refuses to be a gentleman by slowing down for me and just enjoying our walks together as leisurely activities.
@SingHappy Thank you for trusting me enough to share. No, I was not asking from a place of judgement but to understand. Your 3rd paragraph speaks volumes. Your feelings are valid and should be respected, not criticized or belittled. I encourage you to look elsewhere in your relationship to see if the same energy is showing up differently. If the relationship is worth pouring more energy into, I also encourage you to seek out that therapist sooner than later. Unfortunately, these things don't have a way of just "working themselves out". :)
@SingHappy It sounds like he isn't aware of how you feel. I understand how you're feeling. Eventually you get tired of being treated a certain way. Hopefully he wises up and listens to you.
