Struggling to reconnect with my wife
My wife and I have been emotionally disconnected for a while we absolutely need to go counseling but we can't afford it.She's been very unhappy with our relationship for years. We've had a lot of really emotionally tough situations because of ex's who she has children with and ive stood by her through at all but because of that and me having to work a lot. Care for our relationship kind of became secondary to the happiness of our kids. Part of our problem is that we don't spend enough alone time together. Another problem is that we don't have any activities we like to do together. We use to hang out and drink, we use to paint together, we use to watch shows together. Now she can't drink because of being sick, she says she doesn't really like to watch TV because it gives her a headache and I have painted before but it's really not something I'm interested in currently. I started playing d&d recently and she started to be curious about it but she quickly gave up on even trying. She just doesn't want to try anymore with us. I'm trying but it's really exhausting when whatever I do gets met with resistance. I'm going to keep trying but I'm getting incredible discouraged.
@Groome84
@Groome84
I am sorry you are going through that.................... as i have been down that road,
no longer connecting.... we all seem to put relationships on auto pilot and seem surprised or confused that things go off the rails.... we think of good times and want to run back to what used to work....
LIFE waits for no one..... not wait til the kids are all good .....wait till i am not working all the time etc ... wait til some crisis is over it is NEVER over .....
I will tell you from the other side ......my spouse keeps trying to relive hobbies or things we USED to do .... or getting me into items i have zero interest in ..........then say i am not trying.... The fact is at a certain point the disconnect is complete on my end and no trying to turn back the clock will help us....
i hope you are not too late....
Who is she right now? who are YOU? accept and embrace all the changes and move forward there is no reverse.... speak up and be clear and honest .....not vague or walking on eggshells trying to say the "right" thing .....
if you want this......... tell her she must be up front also. Therapy often just is having a third party referee when we speak honest and upfront.
Can you trust each other to speak truth without a referee?
All the things we avoided and did not say hoping it will get better........ is poison to the health of a relationship. fixing it is not just lessening the dose of poison.
That is helpful. She's dealing with a lot of past trauma currently. She's always been sensitive but she's been extra so it's hard to be completely upfront about my feelings with out sugar coating things. I'm trying though. Thank you for your perspective
@Groome84,
I recognize the situation. A very sensitive wife who has been through a lot and had some traumatic experiences.
Wanting to do things together might just make her feel pressurized and only push her further away.
Just try to be kind and gentle. Do little things. Make breakfast. Make tea. And don't take it personal when she doesn't respond. It's not you, it's not personal (I found out too late it isn't).
Say little loving things to her now and then (try to feel the right moment, say it for her, not because you have a need to talk or expect a reply, try to create space in you, do it when you feel relaxed and you feel she's having a tough moment, yeah I know, not easy but try, you've got nothing to lose).
Little things like
@dukeofdearham,
Oops, little things like
Handy things to know and you might say when your wife is feeling discouraged, feeling down, and worried about hherand you
“ I do, and always will love you unconditionally”
“I know you are doing the very best you can, I understand how difficult things can seem at times”
“I love and support you whatever decision you make to improve yourself”
“I am here for you”
“No need to be so hard on yourself, remember to love yourself at least as much as I love you”
