Struggling with recurring conflict and emotional exhaustion
I’ve been carrying emotional weight for a long time. My husband has a history of depression, and during his worst moments he accused me of things that weren’t true. I supported him through everything, but now similar patterns are happening again. He blames me for things, misremembers events, and gets angry even when I’m trying to help. I feel alone, overwhelmed, and exhausted. I’m trying to stay cheerful at work, but inside I’m breaking down. I just need someone to listen and help me feel grounded.
@azureField4707
You are Not alone.
it is difficult to stay positive going thru things like this especially over and over. It is hard to help anyone with depression as they are not sure what they need to bring themselves out of a depressive episode. like many other problems people who have this episodic depression need to find ways out or avoid it when triggers come.
I have had depressive episodes and frankly I feel foggy and have had disagreements with my partner not on purpose, but I have remembered moments differently, in that mental state.
It is also exhausting to try to offer help when they dismiss all help. Speaking up and telling them how you feel (using the "I feel" statements helps) Let them know you want to support them but the up and downs are taking a toll. Life does not take a pause because we are not at our best.
Tell him how you feel about his accusations and blaming. Perhaps suggest he get outside help as he is not accepting your help. Sometimes in the middle of a depressive episode, we do not see how we are treating others. We also need to find our own solutions not expecting our partner to try to fix us.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps to hear from someone who has gone through depressive episodes and understands how memory and reactions can get distorted.
I’ve tried expressing my feelings before using “I feel” statements, but he often takes it as me attacking him, even when I’m being gentle. He also sees a mental health professional once a month, but he doesn’t want to try talk therapy or anything more frequent. I know I can’t make that decision for him.
I’m just exhausted from the ups and downs and I’m trying to figure out how to support him without losing myself in the process. Your message made me feel less alone, so thank you.
@azureField4707
Going to a therapist IMO is like going to a gym ... we have to do the work. Looking at the treadmills or weights do not get us in shape even if a trainer is standing there with us. Too many IMO think a counselor or therapist etc has the answers without the work and self-reflection.
The beauty of the "I feel" statements is when I told my partner this and they disputed it, I asked how they could decide what " I Feel" it really showed them there is a huge difference, in " you always do (insert item)" VS " I feel you often do (insert item)".
We try to give gentle help but sometimes people need some tough love to realize they NEED to do the work... they need a realization we cannot just wait for magic to fix this pattern. Boundaries or timelines let people know no more sitting on the bench but get involved in working the problem.