TW: Self harm after being a cheater
Hello to everyone willing to read this,
At the very end of 2021 I had an emotional affair through messaging and sometimes video calling another man while being in a 9 year relatonship (nothing sexual, but definitely inappropriate for someone in a relationship) . I got scared of marriage and having kids since I don't think I would make a good mother because of my mental health issues (history od depression, anxiety and panick attacks) and I somehow convinced myself this new guy would save me from myself. But he didn't treat me right, Gaslighted me, ignored me, pushed me to be physical, belittled me etc. I met up with him once and he gave me a kiss on the cheek to congratulate me a HP and asked for one back, and I did it. I broke up with my partner.
Me and my partner eventually got together after a month, but the other person still kept contact with me and I selfishly replied. I even saw him once out in the club and he approached me and kissed me on the cheek as a greeting and I should have avoided that. 2 months have passed and he contacted me again and asked to meet up and I met up with him and told him how I felt about him and how I don't think this would ever work because of the way he treated me. I gave him a goodbye hug and said that I would like to go home, but he hugged me again and kissed my neck without my consent, the third time I pushed him away. We spoke on the phone once at the end of 2022, messaged again 3 times in 2023 (mainly arguing and bickering and who was right and who was wrong, and him trying to come into my life again because our mutual friend were getting married and we were all invited) and congratulated HP to each other at the end of 2023/January 2024. I am still together with my partner and he knows everything. He has decided to forgive me and has moved on. But I can't forgive myself.
I aboslutely hate and despise myself for everything I've done and it was all my responsibility for runing the trust of my partner and the love and kindness he showed me. After many, many wrongdoings. I even kept the other person as a friend on *** until 2024. Because of how much I hate myself and can't believe I let all these things happen I started self harming and I've been doing it for about a a month and a half now. Is there anyone with a similar story and any piece of advice on how to stop? I would very much appreciate it
Thank you!
@sincereHuman9830
I'm sorry your fear triggered this reaction in you to reach out to the wrong person and someone so unsuitable.
It's good you recognize this now.
He didn't deserve you.
You need to allow yourself time to heal.
Forgive yourself.
And be gentle with yourself.
And learn what you want and deserve from.any relationship in the future 💖
@Amanda84
Hello, thanks for the hug and your kinds words!
I am still with my partner actually. I am trying to be a good partner and I am just so sorry that it took almost 2 years to completely see the scope of the damage I have done. I even kept the other person on social media. It's like I couldn't even do the smallest things, like deleting them. Because of all my wrongdoings I have developed some type of self-identity crisis and I just wonder what kind of a person even was I?
It helps to talk to somebody about it, thank you again!
@sincereHuman9830
A pleasure completely 💜
@sincereHuman9830
I think we are too hard on ourselves. Imagine if the situation was the other way around and your partner talked to someone. We can always look back in life and wish we had changed a few things like cutting contact or not breaking someone's trust etc. I strongly suggest finding a way to forgive yourself not only for you but your partner as well. we cannot get a do over life only moves forward no reverse.
@toughTiger6481
It's not that it happened, it's the fact that it continued for so long :( and the fact that it took me so long to see how much I'm hurting my partner. And honestly, if my partner continued the contact with the person he developed feelings for, I have no idea if I would be able to overcome it as I think it would be too painful.
I never had another boyfriend besides my partner and I was so immature and inexperienced. The rush of somebody new liking me made me lose my rational thinking and rational actions. I was really impulsive and all over the place, but I think being 26 at that time I should've known better and not act like some kind of a selfish and spoiled teenager.
You are right, in order for our relationship to work I have to forgive myself as I owe it to my partner who has forgiven me. If he could do it I should do it, too. I owe it to him to be happy and make him happy. But it's really hard.
Thank you for you response!
