The guilt and shame remain
It’s been almost a decade since I had an affair with my co-worker . At the time I was I felt lonely and exhausted from managing a home life of small children and the mental struggles of my father and brother, one in depression and the other an alcoholic. I think I just craved a release… an escape from the responsibilities of life and succumbed comes to the persuasive advances of my co-worker who was going through their own relationship struggles. They were attractive, supportive, and made me feel real, wanted and unshackled.
Immediately after the first event I knew I had made a mistake but the escape was like a drug you crave... More intense than I could ever imagined. I had never had addicted tendencies but this felt like the closest I’d ever been to being an actual addict.
Finally after a few months of sneaking around and closet panic attacks I, and we, came to our senses, that relationship subsided and I left to get the support of others and therapy… and she left to her own support system and to form a new life. Neither of us revealed what had happened to our spouses and that felt (and still feels) like the right decision. I have always loved my wife and kids deeply and never felt like I was lacking in my marriage for anything but an occasional escape.
My mental struggles have always been around perfectionism and building up a perfect facade when I know that’s not realistic. As a child I was happy to pretend I was always “okay” and in need of nothing when inside I strived for accomplishment and acknowledgement. My worries stemmed from not becoming a bother to anyone else when I knew they already had enough on their plate. I found release in alcohol, partying and obsessive behaviour on hobbies and achievements. Hidden behind the perfection was a crave for release and to be my authentic self… imperfect.
Now, I’ve got friends I lean on who are well trusted advisors and understand my needs and I theirs. I have leaned into mindfulness to get a better understanding of my triggers and patterns. I feel I’ve grown a great deal after this experience.
But all of that said… I still feel remorse for what I did. It sneaks up on me and kicks me in the stomach more often than I’d like to admit. I feel guilty for giving it the head space it receives and not giving that to my family and more deserving tasks when it lingers.
My obsessive tendencies get me stuck in a loop and that loop is one that vilifies me. I know I’m not perfect and will never be now but I hope one day I can fully truly forgive myself for my actions so it occupies less energy and headspace than it deserves. I’m better now but never “perfect”.
I appreciate the opportunity to share here as I have found comfort in others stories. Thank you.
@ThePerfectionist
It is in the past you can not change it ... you still feel it was right decision to not confess to your spouse and family. Of course most people have instance in their past they regret and they have pop up and ruminate about it.
So you are not alone in that.
@ThePerfectionist,
we are all human and we all make mistakes.
Sometimes we get stuck for whatever reason. We don't feel heard, accepted, loved and all of a sudden there's someone else who makes us feel self again. And sometimes we get sucked in, we seem to so need the attention. Understandable.
You made the decision to walk away from the affair, that takes strength and a lot of love for your wife. Maybe you just needed it to find a bit of self.
Anyway, you stepped out and that is something you should be proud of. You don't have to forgive, just accept what happened, you are only human and it is in the past.
In a way you are lucky. My now ex wife got in an emotional affair and my intuition knew it. She always denied and that added so much to other damage we tried to repair that we seperated. I'm saying you are lucky because it just might have been your wife knew what was going on at the time yet she let it be and stuck with you.
Maybe you can try to love yourself and the ones you love more, instead of perfectionism. Nobody is perfect, just dare to be vulnerable.
Celebrate the love your wife has for you, it's rare. Show your love and feelings. Don't wait until the day you die Wishing you had spoken your heart in the past.
