Tired

I've been with my partner for almost 9 years. We're practically married and have been living together for 7 years, but in the last 4 years i feel lost. I feel like my anxiety and depression has gotten worse. I'm always scared and it's affecting my relationship. I am lucky to have an extremely patient and loving partner, but due to my issues he's starting to get tired of my excuses. He understands what I'm going through, and since he is constantly working on himself to be a better partner, he feels like i don't love him enough to make the effort. I grew up being bullied my whole life by family and friends since childhood and so my comfort zone is pushing people away and going numb. When i ask myself what I'm scared of? The answer is always i don't know. I'm tired of feeling the way i do, I'm tired of everything, I'm drained and all i want is to be happy. I wanna love myself the way he loves me. I wanna be better partner. I wanna show him that i love him. I just don't know what to do it. I'm always overthinking and second guessing myself. How can I go about that?