Turbulent relationship with my partner that cost me way too much

I am new to this platform, I just ended a very turbulent relationship and I feel emotionally exhausted.

My relationship with my boyfriend has been a cycle of intense love, intense conflict, and repeated disappointment. I loved him deeply and gave him more chances than I can count because I kept believing in his potential and in the future he promised me. He sold me a dream of emotional safety, commitment, marriage, financial stability, and building a life together. I wanted to believe in that so badly.

But the reality was very different.

I constantly felt emotionally alone in the relationship. Whenever I needed softness, reassurance, or repair after conflict, he would often shut down, dismiss me, get cold, or act like my feelings were too much. I repeatedly communicated what I needed was presence, emotional accountability, empathy, and willingness to work through things together. I never asked for perfection, just willingness.

Instead, I felt like I was carrying the emotional weight of the relationship by myself. I was always trying to understand him, justify his behavior, give him the benefit of the doubt, and be patient because I knew he had his own issues. But over time, that turned into me making myself smaller and smaller just to keep the relationship alive.

A huge wound in our relationship was my abortion. I never truly felt emotionally held by him during one of the hardest experiences of my life, and I think that damaged my trust deeply. Since then, my nervous system has constantly been on high alert. I had recurring dreams of him leaving me, abandoning me, or not showing up for me. Looking back, I think my body knew long before my mind accepted it that I didn’t feel safe with him.

Last night we had another huge fight. I poured my heart out and told him how neglected and hurt I felt, and he responded with dismissive messages like he was losing interest in the conversation and didn’t want to read what I was saying. That broke something in me. He was also extremely judgmental of the abortion, for me he was never safe and I would never want my child to ever be born in a world where their parents are messed up.

I realized I’ve spent so long fighting for someone who repeatedly failed to show up for me in the ways that mattered most. I kept hoping if I loved harder, explained better, or stayed patient longer, things would change.

They didn’t.

Today I feel empty, sad, and exhausted but also strangely calmer. I think my body is relieved that the fighting stopped. I still love him, but I’ve reached a point where being alone feels healthier than staying in something that keeps draining me.

What hurts most isn’t just losing him. It’s realizing how much of myself I lost trying to keep this relationship alive. I abandoned my own needs, ignored my intuition, lost dignity, and tolerated things I shouldn’t have.