Unhappy with marriage of 30 years
My wife has become increasingly untrustworthy in the matter of money. It has caused us huge problems and she still takes little responsibility or lies. Teenagers when we married neither of us had good money management skills. I was busy working to support our family and neglected to pay attention for too long. I would question knowing we made enough money to not be behind constantly as we always were. Any credit was always at maximum, unpaid or late. When my kids got older she opened a credit card in my daughter’s name. This was explained by saying she didn’t know how it happened and it was not correct and a lot oh anger. I worry that I only enable her as I never hold her accountable in order to keep peace. These types of issues continued until a major event. She was caught embezzling $60k from her employer. She again didn’t take responsibility blaming a mental break and her bad relationship with her father as the reason. She did do intensive out patient counseling. Once this was complete she felt justified in her actions. I don’t think she ever told them about the theft. This is when regardless of the confrontation I took over finances. Last few years have still been challenging. Always a reason she needs more than allowance or “accidentally charges a fee on a credit card” I have changed all of my cards so many times. These are just the cliff notes. Typing this all out I see that my in ability to hold her accountable is the bigger issue here.
@limegreenCircle8296
do not blame yourself as you are her partner NOT her parent. Everyone I know has bad or careless money habits when they marry young. Money issues should be regularly discussed and when issues or "accidents" happen it is time for someone to take control. there is even a name for this "financial infidelity".
The embezzlement and deflection of any blame, the ease of lies or placing blame on issues shows she is NOT facing she has a real problem. I can understand your frustration as the responsible one in money matters in my marriage. It is hard to not remember we would be in a better situation if partner had just been responsible.
Have you considered joint counseling as you think she may not have been honest with last sessions. I am a big believer in intervention and having her take accountability for the fallout of her reckless and bad money habits. did she ever face legal charges from past employer?
Tell her how you feel .... she cannot tell you that is wrong or blame on other things. I told spouse "I feel you damaged our retirement and lifestyle by your poor money handling". "This has caused me resentment as I cannot get 10 yrs of growth or interest just because you say sorry." this was enough for my spouse to get serious about their money handling
if possible, Pull money aside for you without her able to access.
Hello appreciate the thoughtful response. Yes I did recommend joint counseling. I left it for her to schedule as a sign of being committed to addressing the issue. Maybe that was too much to expect. I will find a counselor if she goes that’s enough for me.
She was not prosecuted for the embezzlement as we covered the debit by using home equity line of credit to pay back. Thankfully they accepted this as a deal and prosecutor accepted their recommendation. On top of the actually money there is $8k in defense and settlement attorneys. This all was very public and we no longer live in that area it was very stressful.
I get a lot of push back with comments like I hold that over her head every time I talk to her about spending. I assure I’m not holding it over her head but I have a right to be more sensation to spending. Ultimately she needs to address what is driving her addiction or I need to save myself. I don’t want to be broke and living paycheck to paycheck until the end of time. I have made good progress but could be doing so much better if she could meet me in a realistic middle. She works and is able to keep all her check for herself no bills. I only ask she doesn’t ask me for money yet some how $100 here $200 there. Maybe I need to set more defiant boundary. The manipulation is next level though. I’m not a person that takes *** from people. I have always been in management role and deeply respected in my profesional live. If only any of my employees knew how little self respect I have when at home.
@limegreenCircle8296
It is totally understandable to be concerned about another financial disaster. it is not really about the $100 here or there it is the attitude and the disconnect. 8k in legal on top of taking out a loan with interest to cover her mess should have been her eye opener.
Perhaps if she saw the disconnect...? Maybe she would see the behavior in herself... watch or listen to several financial shows that frankly highlight the distress caused by reckless or frivolous spending. a you tube show called Financial Audit with a guy named Caleb shows people who seem oblivious to spending / debt and over the top financial mistakes....
Thank you I will check it out and try to use as a tool to start constructive conversation.
@limegreenCircle8296
Wanted to add I have asked my spouse to schedule an appointment for counseling but .... here come a million excuse why they cannot.... the real reason is they can say they will do it but even if i schedule will they Honestly participate.
Counseling is an active thing.....couples counseling with only one really involved is like trying to play both sides of tennis by yourself.
Im thinking once she is there she will have to participate eventually.
