Walking on Eggshels & Avoiding Triggers

I am a lesbian partnered for 14 years. Me and my wife love each other but her emotional state has been a burden for a long time. Any little things disrupts her emotional stability and she blames me for other peoples shortcomings. We mainly only have each other because our families aren't supportive. I am in charge of paperwork, 50% house chores, anytime she needs help with her health, main provider, etc. She contributes in other things but when she is bad, she just makes me feel miserable. She says that I am not feminine enough, don't dress well, don't do anything for her. I do everything for her to the point I erase myself from the emotional stand point. I am tired of not being held and having to be the pillar of our life together - no financially, although I am too - but especially emotionally. I can't have anything out of place, I can't ask for a second opinion, and we don’t have sex for 8 years. We are family and caring but I don't know anything anymore. I think most of the time we are just being alone together. I wanted to go abroad, create community and am here stuck to the little family she has and they don't even supports us. Just a few crumbs here and there. My family is even worse. I have a narcisist, emotionally manypulative mother. I am tired of my wifes meltdowns due to the smallest of things and she doesnt want to seek a therapist. I don't know if I ever will be able to feel what community is and she has been contributing to my isolation due to her poor emotional health.