Was I in a relationship with a narcissist for almost 30 years??

@AnnaDee79

You don't deserve to be gaslighted.

You deserve love.

Happiness.

To be valued.

To be understood.

You are not listening or begging him to come back, so he's not in control, he's not winning, so he cannot handle it, he doesn't know how to act. We might not know the words to put to what we feel or the treatment of us but we know how someone makes us feel 💕💜

@AnnaDee79

 Living with a narcissist for so long, it's very understandable that because of the emotional abuse, you very likely to have become conditioned to live in a constant state of self-doubt. One of the most common features of narcissism is that they want psychological dominance over those that surround them. Gas lighting and instilling self-doubt is one of the primary ways in which they accomplish that dominance.

You have invited questions, so here goes:

Do you have any interest in remaining in relationship that includes gas lighting?

Do you believe there is any chance that his behavior will improve?

Having already left you, why should his feelings about your mental clarity matter to you?

You indicate that he "always turned it all" on you. What does that tell you about his agenda, integrity, and willingness to take responsibility for his own actions?

Is being "wrong" based on his judgment or your choice of what you need in order to be happy?

In my experience, a narcissist will never admit to being wrong about anything, while at the same time they are obsessed with and quite clever at convincing others they are wrong. Do you want that kind of person in your future?

If asked about telltale signs. In this case, I think the signs are in evidence because how you are feeling and experience that you’re sharing. I know it's kind of a silly metaphor, but if you saw a mailbox laying on the ground surrounded by tire tracks, it's easy to assume that a vehicle ran the mailbox over. You are not a mailbox, but it certainly seems that you've been run over by a narcissist.

Regarding a personal story about a narcissist, I was raised by one. If I wrote a book about it, it would still be the tip of an iceberg. There is a common theme in narcissistic behaviors, but my situation was different because it did not involve romantic entanglement. I have had friends involved with narcissistic partners, and their experience sounds very much like yours.

I think the only way a partnership with narcissist is sustainable is if the non-narcissistic person abandons their own self-esteem and accepts the narcissist’s demand for subservience and emotional compliance.

Hello, I’m also coming to terms with the possibility that my husband of 20 years shows signs of narcissistic behavior. I didn’t gain clarity until I spent a couple of weeks away at my family’s home. During that time, I started watching videos about narcissism and began to recognize the patterns,  the signs had been there all along. I now see that I’ve been deeply manipulated, emotionally abused, and made to feel worthless for years. I’ve lost my sense of self and my worth.

I also asked myself these questions and to my surprise they were all a yes!

You felt like you were “never enough” no matter what you did?

Your needs were dismissed or belittled?

You walked on eggshells to avoid conflict?

You lost your sense of self or stopped doing things you loved?

They blamed you for everything but never took responsibility?

You often felt confused, guilty, or unsure of what was real?

If you’re struggling with similar doubts, try asking yourself these questions. They helped me find clarity, maybe they’ll help you too.

@AnnaDee79

I think many people have been in your situation. Most of us have doubts about a person we thought we knew doing something like leaving.   I do not like to label things like a narcissist. I think articles about diagnosis are vague and  leaves ...us questioning our self for not seeing issues.  I could probably label a few people but honestly I know I would have missed something.  

Why did we stay?       Why did we not see the gas lighting or deflective blame?   Why they had to feel better then us  by in someway?   putting us down or try to make things our fault?   why did we walk on eggshells to save their feelings? 

In as simple as I can say it your partner has mental health or even self esteem problems.  Embrace the relief you feel .......do not look back and try to reason or rationalize. I think when it was such a long time in relationships,  we think some how we must try to hold on or pretend it was all good or OK.   You are NOT alone in that.   I think of relationships like plants that need nurturing but sometimes  one that lasted for decades then develops root rot or an issue that can not be healed or saved. 

My partner has issues.  NOW I see it is not that he is narcissist but he has other problems he has never dealt with and will not . He dislikes anyone knowing something before him.  He wants to feel included in everything because on his own, he is lost and alone.  He likes to pretend he knows things if i point out anything it is my fault.  We went on a trip and he only read half a sign/ directions and had to be corrected by someone ( i quit doing it) and then said it was my fault he went to wrong line etc.  My person is embarrassed or mad at the world that he is not up on the latest thing.  When someone shows him something he tries to "show" me like i would never understand etc. I Used to be MAD now I PITY him. 

After 30 years I am assuming your partner may as we all do when getting older .. slow down.  He can no longer blame you for him losing a step. He may have left because you know he is a phony. That is where I am. My partner hates that I can get along  better without him ... I am usually right on things and I started pointing out his trying to turn things on me.   I text things then save them as evidence that was NOT what he said etc.  I have grown on my own to not need or care about his thoughts or ideas... or how he would take it.   

It is hard as after all this time this is NOT where you saw yourself starting new.