What should i do
I am feeling very stressed about my relationship. My boyfriend said he is not confident to face my parents yet. He wants to settle first before meeting them. But my parents want to talk to him now, and they keep pressuring me. I feel stuck between both sides.
I love him and don’t want to lose him, but the pressure from my family is making me anxious. I don’t want to force him, but at the same time I am afraid of losing him. Sometimes I feel so confused and insecure about the future.
At first, he used to say that he had no desire to get married right now. He wants to settle down first; marriage is not his life goal. He believes that without money, love won’t last. But today, when he heard that the boy’s family was coming to see me, he saw the boy's picture and started crying.
I just needed to share this because it feels too heavy inside. Has anyone else been in this kind of situation? How did you handle it?
@redJet1130
Do not play the middle man... if this is an important person you may marry it is natural for your parents to want to meet ... it does not mean it will be confrontational ..... avoiding and making excuses will only heighten your parents worry about the real reason Why?
People who claim to not be ready ... ready for what ? a casual conversation maybe a meal together. This is just avoidance IMO
He said that he is not confident enough yet to talk with my parents.
He said he’s not confident enough yet to talk to my parents
@redJet1130
I find avoiding uncomfortable never helps ...most items i missed would have been fine. How do I know because when I just faced things.... NOT one has gone as bad as i had imagined or made up in my head.
How can a person gain confidence ........when they do not know what they should be confident about?
how does one feel confident to answer things ... when we only can guess or speculate will be asked? what is he doing to become ready?
My childhood was filled with a lot of family trauma. As I grew up, I constantly felt that I was not worthy of love. But after this person came into my life, I realized what love really is. He has taught me to be strong. I can’t possibly explain everything about our three-year relationship in such a small space, so I’ll just highlight a few points—both positive and negative.
My boyfriend is somewhat of an introvert. He doesn’t openly share his feelings with me. Once, I saw on his phone a “to-do list,” and everything I had ever spoken about aloud was listed there. We are currently in a long-distance relationship. When we meet, he holds me close and is very affectionate. But when we don’t see each other for a long time, I feel some distance from him—but once we meet again, everything goes back to normal.
He has no one to support him financially. He is two years younger than me and manages both his personal and family expenses through freelancing. But he believes that freelancing is not a permanent solution in life. He wants to settle abroad, which is why he recently took the IELTS exam and scored 6.5. He is applying for Hungary. Now he says that once my visa is approved, he will be able to stand by me in front of his family. But for now, what should I say about my own identity?
However, once, in a moment of anger, he said that even if we get married, he thinks we might get divorced. When I think about this, it really hurts me. I love him, but I feel very confused. Everyone around me says that once he goes abroad, he will leave me. I don’t want to listen to them—I want to trust him. But sometimes, his words and actions hurt my heart. Later, I try to remind myself that maybe he reacted that way because of his situation; maybe that’s how he expressed himself. He hasn’t learned better ways to react from anyone, neither from Bengali society nor from his family
Sorry, it’s a bit long, but I’m feeling so many emotions right now.
@redJet1130
It is a confusing situation i can see that... i think he lacks confidence in things and waiting for the "right" time..... it will not happen as the right time for anything is fiction. there is no right time. Life is hard and to build a future and be successful it taking on challenges and facing uncomfortable situations
Moving to another country and building a life there is facing a lot of unknowns and possibilities .... sound scarier then meeting parents to me.
I want to be with him.
@redJet1130
As far as I understand, you are from a country where arranged marriages are the socially accepted norm...
What options this man really has now?
To swallow his pride (or other boundaries), come and talk to your parents, revealing his ideas and intentions (and risking that some of those ideas your parents may not like or accept). And, yes, I think being introverted shouldn't be an excuse from life: making decisions and taking responsibility. In the real adult world we are never ready, we are often surprised.
To stay where he is (unsure about marriage, not ready for kids), and let another man marry you. And regret it for the rest of his life... or forget.
To wait until he can take you abroad, where the rules of the game are completely different (no marriage or no kids in Europe being a new standard). If you want to follow him in this scenario, put all your eggs into one basket and leave your country, that is some solution...
Still, so far anything he offers to you seems to be up in the air...
And I believe a "long-distance relationship" is something extremely different than sharing the toil and moil (and happiness) of the everyday life under the same roof.
Long, long time ago I experienced a situation when I was pushed for a church marriage (as there was no other option for a woman from an orthodoxly religious family). A few years later I was pressed upon for kids. And it all ended up with no kids, but with a nasty divorce.
So, maybe your boyfriend is not completely wrong by saying that maybe you would marry and divorce?
When we are young, just coming of age, we may tend to romanticise the realms. But wouldn't sometimes giving up some hopes saved us from some future ordeal?
I believe this is some crucial point for you two now. And I seem to believe you recognise the quality of a person which is in front of you not by his plans or promises, but by the way he acts in such an important moment.
Still, the pressure on him should not be the most important factor. But his decisions taken in freedom about what he really wants in his life, and what he may dare expect from you.
My boyfriend is not ready for marriage right now. It’s not that he doesn’t believe in marriage or doesn’t want to marry me—he just feels he needs more time.
The problem is, in our society, when a girl’s age increases, the family doesn’t want to wait. They start arranging meetings with other families. I never really expected my family to accept a love marriage, but now they are telling me: “We’ve already given you time, so at least bring him to meet us. We want to know about his plans.”
But from his perspective, if he stands in front of my parents now, they will immediately see him as their future son-in-law. He says he hasn’t yet built that kind of identity or stability to confidently face them. His point is, once he gets his visa, he will be ready to talk.
Meanwhile, my family has already started introducing me to other men, and I’m being pressured to meet them. Honestly, I’m in a really bad mental state. I never wanted to pressure him, because things like moving abroad, the money required, and even whether he’ll actually get the visa—these are already very stressful matters for him.
My mother keeps saying, “What guarantee is there that he will marry you once he goes abroad?” And I told her, “There’s also no guarantee that the person you choose for me will make me happy. Love is built on trust.” And I truly want to trust him.
Still, one thing confuses me—when we don’t meet for a long time, I feel like his affection for me fades a little.
I don’t even know why I posted this here. Maybe because, no matter what others say, I know I can’t just leave him. I love him deeply. But reading your comments and advice has given me some peace of mind, and for that, I’m very grateful.
@redJet1130
Well, if you could tell what proportion they are... Is that only about your affection to that person, or also about saying "no" to the tradition of arranged marriages and showing your parents that you are a free person, who is independent from them?
The expectations of your mom and dad to just meet your boyfriend sound quite reasonable to me, and—if his intentions and feelings to you are clear—I guess he has nothing to lose. Actually, for my mind it's a kind of privilege.
I am a male. Certainly with no feministic inclinations, but... Aren't you walking on eggshells around this man a tad too much?
Being a man I know that men are not made of sugar icing. They don't melt. Quite opposite. They are like steel. They become stronger when they overcome some reasonable amount of obstacles.
Certainly your parents see it all in a bigger picture, and wouldn't like any guy to give you the runaround.
Still, it's your life—with all the consequences—and your choice when to hear what other people say, and when to listen to your gut feeling.
If he didn’t love me, why would he pay so much attention to the little things I say?
For example, he keeps a to-do list on his phone with all my likes and preferences—even things I’ve mentioned jokingly. He adds them one by one and actually completes them.
One day I showed him a picture of a dress and casually said, “I had a dress like this when I was little.” On my birthday, he surprised me with that exact dress.
I know the gift itself isn’t the most important thing. What matters is that he noticed and remembered what I said. Aren’t these clear signs of love? As a man, what do you think?
@redJet1130
Answering your question—and speaking for myself—yes, I agree those little material things can be important, especially for a woman.
Why your boyfriend has a list of the things you like on his phone? Maybe this is individually connected with the way his mind works?
Is he aware of the fact you might have seen it on his phone? Even if I loved and cherished someone I would have never let them check what is on my phone without my consent.
Is that the physical distance between you two (I guess measured in weeks and thousands of miles) that makes him write it down to remember?
But personally, I prefer to see the connection as more ethereal or emotional things: Knowing that your girlfriend's hands and feet are easily getting cold in winter. Her being aware that I need a nap in the afternoon after starting a day very early. Having this secret piece of knowledge that she starts to giggle if I kissed the place right behind her ears. Her telling you:
"Hey. I've got my room to repaint this weekend, so why wouldn't you give me a hand in that?"
Instead of:
"Look, I have to repaint my room, so we cannot see each other this weekend".
Someone who is back from their business travel saying:
"That place was great and the conference was quite interesting, but in the evenings I missed you so much..."
For me it's about touch, time spent together and treating the significant other as a part of my everyday life.
He doesn’t like me going through his phone. But one night, one of his phones accidentally ended up with me. Out of curiosity, I opened his to-do list app to see what his future plans, likes, and dislikes were. Even though I opened it without his permission. His home is in one city, mine is in another. The distance is quite big.
Fixing the edge of my sari in the middle of the street, taking me out at 11 p.m. when I suddenly had cravings, wiping not only my tears but also my nose when I was crying emotionally, leaving our first concert of my favorite singer just because I had a headache—can these be counted?
@redJet1130
I think it can 😊 So, it looks like you are going for a romantic feeling, with a lot of things to remember when you are getting old together 😊
Looking up somebody's else phone is nothing I could approve of in my relationship. I could ask my (at the moment non-existent) partner to check my blaring phone while I am taking a shower, but normally it would be locked.
Let me make it clear—during these three years, I have truly never doubted him. It’s not blind trust; I genuinely believe in him. Until today, he has never done anything that would make me question his loyalty.