What would you do in my place?

I’m almost 17y-old. I was in a two-month relationship with a boy I got attached to more than I’ve ever let myself. Unfortunately, the blame for the end of us is mostly mine. And I know that. At first, we argued a lot, over small things. Sometimes daily. One time, we had a really bad fight over the phone where I was verbally aggressive. We met afterward and tried to calm down. Meanwhile, I was talking to a friend online, a boy. I showed him screenshots of me and my boyfriend. I wasn’t flirting. I wasn’t looking for attention. I just wanted advice. My ex says that boy was flirting with me. Maybe he was, but I never responded in that way. I honestly didn’t even realize. I made a mistake. I didn’t know how to see people’s intentions. I was immature. That’s just the beginning. My ex read everything. I let him. He said I cheated and talked behind his back. I don’t believe that’s what I did, but in his eyes, that’s how it felt. And his feelings matter.

I used to go out with a girl, let’s call her “Kuri.” At first, she was on my side. Then she started getting closer to him. She said she wanted to help us talk, but never did anything she promised. She just stayed around him.

I begged him to understand. I explained again. I asked for another chance. He seemed like he wanted to forgive me. We met. We got back together. A few hours later, he texted me he can’t do that and he blocked me.

The next day... I almost made a mistake big mistake to my life. But I didn’t because he called me and told me to wait him. And, in a way, he saved me. I told him to be friends and keep eyes on me too see the changes I do. He said he wanted to stay friends. That he wanted to see if I could change. We started hanging out in a group, but I felt invisible. When it was just us two, I felt that closeness again. We kissed. He said it was wrong. But he didn’t stop.

Later in the evening, he called me and told me again he can’t do this anymore and I don’t deserve him. Next night I got a text from him when I was asleep. He asked me if I am asleep. Then he deleted the message and blocked me. I text him in the morning on SMS what he wanted. When I asked why, he said his friend text it. We met again. It felt like he wanted a clear goodbye. But then that same day, he called me to hang out with him and some friends, Kuri was there too. I went. We got back together again. It lasted for a week and a bit. Then he started acting cold again. When I asked what was wrong, he said he didn’t have feelings anymore, and he couldn’t get over what I had done.

Then he showed me that he started talking to his ex again. The one he blocked for me.

That night, I made my profile public on ***. Five minutes later, he saw it. He messaged me. We argued again but ended peacefully. I told him I wanted to share my trauma. I told him everything. He listened. But then he said: what I went through doesn’t excuse my mistakes. And he was right.

That night, he texted me again. Said he couldn’t sleep. I told him I was drinking and listening to music. He said texting me was a mistake. That we only hurt each other. That I was hurting him.

I told him I didn’t want to. That I was sorry for losing my patience earlier. That I love him. That he opened my eyes. He said I was toxic for him. That it was too late. That maybe I just didn’t want it enough. That he used to dream about putting a ring on my finger. He said he didn’t believe me anymore. That it was too late to prove myself.

He told me, “If you care about me, block me.”

I said I couldn’t do that.

He blocked me instead. And wrote, “U little cry baby.”

I told him: “Call me.”

He left me on seen. Then blocked me again.

Now I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know what to believe. I’ve changed. I’m trying. I stay away from alcohol. I take evening walks by myself. I don’t gossip. I don’t respond to toxic stuff. I’m learning to be honest but to have boundaries. To respect myself.

But it still hurts. It hurts because I lost something that was beautiful. It hurts because I was the one who broke it. It hurts because I didn’t know how to love in the right way.