Who did I fall in love with?

The relationship goes back about 4 years. I knew getting involved with him came with his past. One where he cheated on his wife. As I got to know him he seemed well. Perfect. Almost. He loved all the things I loved. He took interest in the things I loved. He perused me hard and fast. I never could have imagined him being unfaithful to me. He was my soulmate. Well. Fast forward. He started getting a bit distant. We started fighting more. I found out he was msging some women behind my back. Some msgs inappropriate. Some were just him being overly nice - I like to call it “putting feelers out”. He lost his job, telling me they just didn’t need him anymore. But later on told me cause someone filed a sexual harassment against him. But “he didn’t do anything wrong” and he was “set up”. Eventually he started hanging out with his ex wife again. And ghosting me for two years on and off. I was in therapy all this time. Trying to get my life back in order after he did this to me. All the lying. Hiding. Cheating - there is just too much to write. The narcissistic, gaslighting, classic avoidance. But I was stuck. I loved him. I thought about him every single day in the two years we were separated. I waited for him to come back to me. And eventually, he did. Rewind to 6 months ago. He came back. Realizing he made a grave mistake. He wanted me back. He was going to do everything he could to get me to trust him and love him again. I could see him trying to but I could also see him slipping back into his ways. I was hard on him. I told him I didn’t know if I wanted him to me my end game. Or that I could even trust him again. He knew this. But wanted me so bad he just had to try. We kept fighting. Because he would get jealous of random things. He would pick fights. And eventually I told him I was done. And couldn’t do it anymore. He made a fuss and said he wasn’t letting me go. I saw recently on his socials he added a woman. A local one. I asked him about it. He said “took you only one day to notice”. I asked who she was and why he added her. He said because I wasn’t paying attention to him. So he did it cause he knew it would get my attention. I told him then that I was completely done with him. That he was so wrong for doing that and brining up old trauma wounds he created. He laughed it off. I ignored him the rest of the day. Later on that night he sent a msg saying how his day went. And hopes mine was good. Completely ignoring the situation. I didn’t write back. The next day I didn’t hear from him. My nerves completely shot. So I ended up blocking him. Because all I could think about was the reason he wasn’t talking to me. Was because of this new girl. I was spiralling. I blocked him. It’s been 4 days. And he hasn’t tried to contact me (he knows he can talk to me through email - that is the one thing I can’t block him on) so now I’m left here. Upset. Nerve wracked. Thinking of the reasons he’s not fighting for me. I’m a mess. I wake up. And check my phone. I get nothing. Then I’m in a slump all day. I see an email notification and my heart jumps only to find out it’s not him. I think about him talking to her. And I get sick. This man is not good for me. I don’t want my life to be this. And the silly games he plays. But I can’t shake him. I’m so mad at my self for the silly girl I have become. I feel used. Tricked and confused. Sad. Anxious. Why would he do this to me? Why would he add another woman when he knows it would destroy me. And why hasn’t he reached out to apologize? I have all these “whys” and my brian cant figure it out. So I keep obsessing over the situation and him. I need clarity. Or different eyes at the situation. Please help me heal.