Work Party: I Want To Go, He Doesn’t, I Feel Selfish. (Advice Wanted)

My boyfriend (M27) and I (F20) live together and work at the same company. We’re in different departments but know each other’s coworkers.

Our job has just announced the annual Christmas party, a bowling party with free food and a raffle for prizes the next town over. It’s not a very extravagant event, but I thought last years party was fun and it’s a way to get out. Plus, I like seeing my coworkers outside of work.

When I brought up the party to my boyfriend, he wasn’t interested in going. I said okay, but asked him to give it some thought but I was excited to attend. Since we do everything together, I was hoping we’d be able to go together as well, as I don’t want to go by myself and I don’t have any other friends to invite.

Fast forward to today, my boyfriend asked me again if I would like to go. I told him yes, and asked if he had decided what he would like to do. He said he still wasn’t interested in going, and asked me again how I felt.

For context, we have excellent communication in our relationship. We never fight and always work through our disagreements and come out stronger afterwards. So when he asked me again how I felt, I did something I‘m not proud of myself for doing. I didn’t respond, and said we should leave for work.

I didn’t do this because I was angry at him, I just felt like I shouldn’t push the subject. If he isn’t interested in going, I don’t want to make him feel guilty or force him into going for my sake. He wasn’t happy, reasonably so, and after realizing that pushing off the subject wasn’t fair to him I told him I did want to go but I’d rather stay home with him if it wasn’t going to be something he would enjoy.

He was upset with my answer, and said I shouldn’t let him call all of the shots and deter my feelings just for his sake. I apologized and told him he was right, but then he started insisting we go. He wasn’t enthused, he spoke from what seemed like a place of “let’s just get it over with” to me.

I insisted again that it was okay if we didn’t go. I would feel worse dragging him along that I would just skipping out the event.

We went back and forth on the subject and eventually compromised that we would go but not for the whole party. All seemed well after that, and then after a few minutes he suggested he bring along his friend to bowl.

He could tell immediately I wasn’t thrilled. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to bring his friend with us, it was just that I know when they bowl together they get very drunk. My boyfriend knows that alcohol is a touchy subject for me. I don’t mind him drinking, especially because he’s never irresponsible with it and always lets me know ahead of time, but my mother died from serosis of the liver after drinking her whole life, and my step mother was an abusive alcoholic growing up.

He said “you don’t seem to like the idea of me bringing him.” And I asked if they would be getting drunk. He said probably after a long pause, and I reluctantly said he could. I wasn’t happy with it, I said I’d be third wheeling them as they were having fun and drinking. That’s not the whole reason but the anxiety had settled in. My boyfriend didn’t buy it, and said he won’t bring him.

Am I being over controlling and asking for too much? Maybe he should bring his friend and I just put it aside for the night. If that’s what will make him happy going I should. But am I sacrificing my mental health for the sake of it? Watching my boyfriend get drunk for the first time would really hurt me, I think.

I just wish I never suggested we go. Now I feel horribly immature and like I’m putting myself ahead of him. I don’t know if I’m asking too much, and I feel like he’s upset with me, even if he tells me he isn’t.

Please, I need some outside perspective on this. What’s a good compromise? Should we skip out? If we do, how do I go about talking about this with him without him thinking I’m more disappointed than I actually am?