attachment/ abandonment / jealousy issues.
Even though he isn’t giving me any reason to be jealous,when he is going out i have this weird feeling, which is caused by attachment issues because i wanna know every step that they are doing.at normal days we are talking almost whole day(he still replies minutes later) but whenever he is going out or doing something without me i have this feeling that I cannot explain.in past relationships I’ve struggled with issues above.it is really hard for me to trust someone,especially when i have questionable past with them.for me even if i’m busy or not,i always want to talk to my partner and always want to keep them updated about my day,but they are not acting same,its like we are not on the same page here…and its really hard for me,because i tried explaining him how i felt about that topic but he told me that whenever he will be able to reach back,he will give me an reason why he couldn’t answer.but in meantime when im waiting for him to answer,im just having panic attacks like i cant concentrate about anything else.so this is the point where our thoughts doesn’t match.i dont want to be emotionally attached to someone.what should i do?
J
@ansndjndnd
I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It sounds incredibly challenging to manage those feelings of anxiety and attachment when your partner is not immediately available to communicate. It's clear that you care deeply about your relationship and want to feel more secure and connected.
You mentioned that you've had similar struggles in past relationships, and it must be really tough to face those same feelings again now. It makes sense that this situation would bring up a lot of anxiety for you, especially since trust is such an important and sensitive issue for you.
It might be helpful to have a calm, open conversation with your partner about finding a middle ground that works for both of you, maybe with some compromises or agreed-upon check-ins that could help ease your anxiety?
@ansndjndnd
You know you are not on the same page on this....
He has explained his position .......he will answer when he can or has what i assume are valid reasons as to why he is not answering as fast as you would like .......you can continue to have anxiety and raise the frustration level or try to look at it another way.
Have you ever thought of this from the other perspective? ....my spouse does not respond sometimes when i would like.
I turn off my phone at work....... phone is not where i can check or watch it constantly because i am doing Work things... I have missed calls or texts and responded much later...... my partner seemed furious even though they had done this to me several times... If i am out with friends i do not watch phone either.. if i felt they must be informed of every thing i would ask them to join me........ if you do not give them space ........how can you build trust and mutual respect?
Do you ever see when a partner or spouse must know every move in day or you must respond in x amount of minutes is controlling behavior...... this can cause trust and resentment issues towards you. .............a phone is a tool and can help keeping in touch OR it can be treated as a tracking device and leash.
Of course i can give him a space.but we have a past,where his actions built my mental health issues.i mean I’m not saying its all his fault but its hard for me to trust someone who has done bad things towards me..manipulation, abandonment for 1month and other things…so i cant blame it all on myself.whenever i will be able to trust him again,i wont control him that much.and the reason why i control him is probably because i don’t want to lose him,again.
@ansndjndnd
I think we need to get past the idea of blame....
yes relationships have ups and downs ... good and bad times.... his past actions may be reasons to feel the way you are...... but in the end you deserve a person who you do not need to monitor or control... whose simple actions of not responding in a timely manner do not set you into a spiral of doubt...
I see so many, myself included that hold on....... not to the person as the really are .. but the idea of what we want this person to be or at one time they were... try to look at this objectively and ask what would you say if this was your best friend dealing with a person .... would you suggest doing the items you are doing? I do not know your Bf but for many this type of need to know every hour of their day or many calls/ texts is smothering and will in the end drive them away when you are trying to hold on to them.
I dont understand why would he drive away, bc for me i dont get bothered when someone is texting me.especially if my boyfriend is texting im always happy to text em back, even if im doing something,or when im busy i’ll just tell them what im doing and i’ll text them in minutes.for me i feel special and loved when someone is spamming me and is interested in what im doing.so i dont really get the point why would u get annoyed when ur partner is texting u.hes not mad but u mentioned driving away and yeah thats true too but i dont really get the point.i mean i get YOUR point but idea of them leaving bc of messaging,i dont get that.
@ansndjndnd
Perhaps you have not had experiences yet but sooner or later i think you might
others have that we text and share whatever we needed to and the other person keeps going and going and has zero interest or care about what you are doing.... are you sure his phone is charged at ALL times? are there places that ask you to silence phone and you missed the vibration as it was in another pocket.? is the person he is with or item he is doing less important then you.....
Last week spouse had some medical news he called while i WAS driving to work... so i did not pick up as the feature to be hands free in car was not connecting ....
he called again and again ........so i answered angry saying ....WHAT.? .. ....he said...... "why the f are u not answering the phone ? " ....... I said .."i am driving and now illegally on the phone so what could not wait 5 minutes" ..... he said later that night "hey i know at that time you are driving and I just did not think " ......was it important? an emergency? NO ... it was a sleep study results ......
sometimes we just do NOT text back ASAP or answer .... many workplaces or school even appts want your phone off and out of sight. Would i text back in middle of lets say an interview or medical exam ....ask my hair stylist to wait i need to respond to spouse.... i think you need to try to see form another point of view .
@ansndjndnd
Sorry to hear you’re going through this. But the fact is while you have this “weird feeling” as you described it, you don’t really know what’s happening when your partner is out right? No matter how long he’s been gone, where he is, etc.
While you could follow him to see where he goes and what he does and if he does it alone or with someone else just for your own knowledge and peace of mind. But I wouldn’t recommend it bc he might be upset if he found out you were following him instead of trusting him and it could lead to an eventual ending of your relationship with him.
Despite how you feel about it I’d trust him if I were you bc if you truly ❤️ him then trusting your partner is part of that.
Attachment…..I’ve had attachment issues but I think it might be different from what you’re dealing with.
Jealousy…. I believe everyone feels jealous, perhaps some more than others. But while some people continue to feel jealous, others eventually overcome their jealousy. I hope you overcome yours bc I believe you can and you deserve to live without it.
Abandonment….Same as attachment.
Sending you hugs full of support and strength to deal with this and overcome your issues.