communication advice
hey all. thanks for being here
i am going through a lot with my current situation and relationship.
i have been w my partner for 4 years and things are great, except for in communication. we tend to loop, gaslight and say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment. My partner has made it a point that this boundary can never be crossed again, and if it will persist, i should end the relationship. I struggle because i feel like there is a lot on his end that adds fuel to the fire but feel like i cannot bring those points up because he then is left feeling unheard or like i don’t care. we have very different upbringings (im italian from the east coast, we’re intense) but he’s also older and more set in his ways. i feel like he misinterprets me often but it’s then on me to be accountable and make changes while he can continue to threaten to leave in hard times or say things he doesn’t mean. part of me wonders if we just aren’t compatible or if these are things that can be worked through, i just don’t know how to prevent the issues in the moment, especially when i am feeling triggered.
i appreciate any advice and am grateful for all of you and this platform.
be well 🤍
@mossgremlin
I can understand my partner and I have done that as well. say the meanest things or have a list of all the items from past like weapons. I took time to step back and re-evaluate how we spoke and we often went to the most hurtful items we could.
It takes time and using the "I feel" statements help.
Example instead of saying "you always do this or that" I would say "I feel you do this often and let's discuss why" besides sounding nicer at first they tried to pushback I simply say you could debate the first version of "you always" . but you cannot tell me I do not feel a certain way. This approach made them stop completely and think and find ways that were not accusing but expressed our frustrations.
Tonight, for example I had spoken of a recipe shared with me from a dear friend. I would try making on the weekend when I was not working.... Instead, they looked up some semi close recipe that had the 2 main ingredients and made that. Turned out poorly. Maybe they felt it was same thing (it wasn't) or was a surprise, But I felt they stole my plans and like they often do, wanting to do something first....... before I had a chance. " our life should not be a competition "
I told them how I felt and "if they wanted to do it why not ask for the original recipe" instead of a bad version. This calm discussion will stick with them and next time I hope they see how their gesture looked like to me. It also made them question themselves as to why they did not just offer to make recipe for me.
at least it did not spiral into insults or threats of breaking up etc.
thanks so much for this advice. we have tried the i feel talks, he says i consistently interrupt which i admit i do because i try to over explain and defend myself which is something i am working on. but even when i catch myself he tells me its too late and ultimately does threaten to leave either for a day or up to a month. which then triggers my abandonment issues and i usually the panic and freak out which then makes him feel like he can’t bring anything up without me losing my mind or taking it as an attack. but i am trying and i know i can do these things, his intensity sometimes just scares me and i dont know how to navigate.
@mossgremlin
I did small doses until I got the knack of not over explaining or making my partner feel like he could not talk. Many times, it is a work in progress
@mossgremlin
hi! appreciate the recommendation but i do not take spells from strangers or anyone i cannot meet in person with or have a lasting personal relationship with. i’m glad it worked for you!