healthy fighting (?)

Hi everyone,

I would love some perspective on what’s “normal” in relationships when it comes to fighting. I definitely believe that if you’re with someone a while there are going to be things that irritate you both - but it’s hard to understand what are like big issues versus littler issues.

My BF and I have been together for over 3 years now. Sometimes we talk about marriage. There are so many great things about him which is why I love him, but the one thing I can’t stand is his temper. I don’t want it misunderstood - he’s definitely NOT verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive or anything. I don’t feel any safety concerns. I just don’t like how sometimes it feels I get different people.

We had a fight early on about some comment I had made about a sports team, which he didn’t like. But he didn’t sit down and talk to me about it. We were on our way to dinner and while he was driving he brought it up. But it wasn’t in a “hey I want to get something off my chest way” it was me talking about something random and he just cut me off and got really passive aggressive and made some comment that through me off. He then proceeded to start talking about all the many things I was doing that bothered him in an annoyed tone.Then he seemed surprised that I’d start crying and was “ruining dinner” because of it. When we eventually talked about it a few days later, he made a comment about he just won’t ever bring stuff up to me that’s bothering him again. I said that wasn’t the problem - I do want to know if I’m being annoying, but I was so thrown off by a seemingly normal night turning into what felt like an attack. I also really hated that he had a list - I said it would help if he could talk about things as they happen and not just like hold onto it. It makes me feel really lousy when it feels you’re just reading off all my flaws. He basically brushed it off saying that’s not him and how he communicates - he prides himself on being “masculine.” Part of that is because hes 13 years older than I am (in his 40s) and just knowing how his dad is/how he was raised it makes sense. If we watch people on tv and a guy is crying, he’ll definitely say things like he’s a wuss or a p*.

Fast forward to tonight when we’re just chilling after dinner and he randomly picks up a cup to ask where it goes. I pointed to a cabinet and he put it on the highest shelf that I can’t reach. I asked why he was doing that and he started going off about if it was that important why didn’t I take it out of the dish rack yet. He then kept grabbing everything off the counter and asking sarcastically where each thing goes, why it’s there, etc.

ironically he leaves stuff on the counter all the time. when I clean and move it he just gets annoyed because it wasn’t where he left it. Or if I wash dishes I just wash whatever I can find. He will decide if he’s really feeling petty to only wash his and like deliberately leave anything I used.

I’ll admit he definitely does more of the housework than I do - I just started a new job that, while great and I WFH, has ramped up and I’m slammed most days. I’m also working on a graduate degree, which obviously takes time. If I try to multitask on other things at night while watching TV and stuff, he gets mad that I’m not paying him enough attention. So like when am I supposed to get all this stuff done? It’s not like he didn’t know how hard I work and my level of ambition when we started dating - he said he loved me for it.

I’ve struggled a lot with my mental health this year, and trying to find balance with that. My self care is slowly improving, but even when I find something I enjoy, it feels like he doesn’t really get why it’s important. Like I’ve been reading outside in the mornings with my coffee the last month, and he wanted to start walking in the mornings and asked if I’d go. I said that’s fine but I’m not giving up my reading for walks and he seemingly got annoyed that I thought the walls weren’t that important. He doesn’t want to wake up earlier to take them before I read so it’s just kinda flopped.

The other thing is (which I’ve told him too) I hate cleaning the house when he’s around - it feels like then he just criticizes everything I’m doing that’s not the way that “he does it. I know a big part of that is my brain and a traumatic childhood where i learned to internalize a lot of shame. It always feels like people are watching and judging me, even in public. But he’s made comments about why am I putting this here, or whatever. I’m like if you want it a certain way you do it yourself. And while he doesn’t WFH most days, he’s done so a lot more lately, and so my time to clean what feels like peacefully has been extra limited.

I feel bad even posting this because he’s truly not a bad person. He’s always bringing me flowers and is very supportive of me having a career. He cooks dinner at least 6 nights a week. Like he’s a good person. I just hate the passive aggressive comments and sudden anger - like it triggers something in me based on what I’ve gone through in my life. But he really doesn’t understand no matter how much I try to explain it because as he says he struggles with emotions.

I don’t know if any of this is “normal” fighting and how common passive aggressive behavior is. It puts doubt in the marriage convo for me though because it’s stressful - I don’t know when he’s going to get mad about something, and he curses a lot just in general, but it reminds me of my childhood environments where cursing was very tied in with anger.