please help me understand what is going on
systematikfailure
January 25th
i been dating my partner for 5 months now, in the beginning he expressed his issue with insecurity pretty clearly. he has a history of being physically cheated on, and also had/has some odd views i didn’t understand. he expressed concern over my affinity to make friends with boys, and told me i was essentially building a “roster”. i couldn’t talk about a my past if whatever story i was explaining involved another person. he told me pretty early on that he imagines other people fxking me and gets disgusted. he was very big on mentioning breakup an infidelity statistics. i was constantly being accused of having ulterior motives, suspected of going places im not despite going him my location, without any sort of proof for his thinking. he told me he liked my masculinity and that i didn’t dress like his exes with their stuff out or something. he also used the word cuck a lot, and it scared the *** out of me thinking he was one of those men who was wrapped up in redpill thought. he always told me that he was “just being real” though.
well recently i gave him his “proof” and i can’t get away from it. it stands as an elephant in the room because the both of us never got the closure we think we deserved, and whenever it gets brought up an argument ensues. here are the incidents described as concisely as possible.
in situation 1, I had a male best friend named P who used to like me in the past (2+ years ago). that was a short blip in our connection, i set boundaries and he tried nothing since then. during my relationship with my partner there were two incidents that made him
"weary" of this friend. 1. I called Pat 3am one night right next to my partner, because I was worried for him cause he was expressing suicidality. 2. after partners reaction to incident 1 l believed that I should just step out of the room to answer Ps calls, and one time I did in *** *** because laundry wasn't done (I usually wear boxers). he just wanted to show me the snow in New York, but the fact that I went out of the room in *** without thinking makes me look horrible. these two incidents made partner suspect that something was going on between us, he asked me a bunch of questions and it slipped my stupid mind that P used to like me.
partner goes through phone, whatever cause I have been through his, scrolls up to me and Ps messages in 2023 and finds a text of me talking to P telling him to not grab my leg like that again and that it isn't like that. from then on partner's hunches were "confirmed". I was deemed a liar although I don't understand how I lied if I just forgot, I try to explain my intention and that I had no feelings towards this person but I was constantly told that I was justifying.
"weary" of this friend. 1. I called Pat 3am one night right next to my partner, because I was worried for him cause he was expressing suicidality. 2. after partners reaction to incident 1 l believed that I should just step out of the room to answer Ps calls, and one time I did in *** *** because laundry wasn't done (I usually wear boxers). he just wanted to show me the snow in New York, but the fact that I went out of the room in *** without thinking makes me look horrible. these two incidents made partner suspect that something was going on between us, he asked me a bunch of questions and it slipped my stupid mind that P used to like me.
partner goes through phone, whatever cause I have been through his, scrolls up to me and Ps messages in 2023 and finds a text of me talking to P telling him to not grab my leg like that again and that it isn't like that. from then on partner's hunches were "confirmed". I was deemed a liar although I don't understand how I lied if I just forgot, I try to explain my intention and that I had no feelings towards this person but I was constantly told that I was justifying.
situation 2 i text a niche artist on *** asking for lyrics and use heart emojis. my partner sees this as some sort of “microcheating”, and it validated his belief that somewhere on this earth someone will always have a “spare key” to your partner. he went on about hypotheticals that i would *** this artist if given the chance.
situation 3 made me look like a complete ***, I was texting person A (male) about a person B (male) who I used to use drugs with and get physical with. i was wondering if he finally oded on fentanyl or not. partner questions every "new boy name" that pops up on my phone because he thinks I'm building a "roster", so he asks what im doing talking to person A. at this point I understand wtf his stance is and how my action will be taken so i lied and said i was inquiring about a friend. truth comes out on my terms a day later because i honestly didnt see it as that big of a deal if my intentions werent to get in contact with this person directly.
well that didnt help my case and all three are being used against me constantly in the present. im told im a cheater, im told ill leave once person B inevitably ends up in my state somehow halfway across the map, the other day i was broken up with through text because i was at a 4 hour meeting with a 12 step sponsor and didnt respond, his logic being i "shouldnt be acting like i am trusted", despite never giving him evidence that i would cheat physically. there have also been times where he’s told me he is allowed to verbally attack me and call me very painful words because of what i have done to him. when i try to correct my partners character i am told im a hypocrite because of what i have done in the past. nothing reassures him about nothing because he thinks what ive done is enough evidence that i will inevitably leave. hes convinced me not to have any guy friends because theyd all wanna fxk me if i asked.
he wants reassurance, and when he does something in me flickers because i honestly think i explained myself enough and i know it’ll never be enough for him. he tells me im going to inevitably leave him for person B (lives in NY while im in FL, btw) and when i tell him he doesn’t have evidence for that he mentions incident 3. he tells me that my ego and pride will not allow me to take accountability. im told i should "shut up" and "submit" and it scares me. i on the other hand do not want to be misinterpreted on my intentions and get upset when he does so. so it’s a cycle of anger and frustration until we just forget about it the next morning and pretend it isn’t there.
im scared because i want to make this work, other than this we do not disagree on much. i am on the spectrum so some Standard relationship things dont make sense to me but i have had a gut feeling that this isn’t standard. please help me understand what is going on please.
Amanda84
January 25th
@systematikfailure
I'm sorry, but you deserve so much better.
This is not a relationship.
This is control and manipulation.
He has no right to tell you who to be friends with.
He has no right to look through your phone.
To insult you.
Or belittle you in anyway.
And who does he think he is, telling you to obey and submit?
Why does he think he has the right?
Relationships should be honest.
Fun.
Respectful.
Not rude, or needy, or unequal.
I think you deserve to be happy with someone who isn't so insecure and demanding.
No matter what happens, I wish you all the best 💚🤗
toughTiger6481
January 26th
@systematikfailure
No this is no way standard.
He has issues he should work on. You cannot Fix him only he can fix himself.
relationships should never be so manipulative and controlling. his need for constant reassurance and blaming you for why he acts badly is not good. sometimes we think we want to stay in relationship for the few good times we have. but the bad will be more and eventually the few good times are not worth the verbal and emotional abuse you are taking from him.
